How To Drive In The Rain(or How To Annoy Your Fellow Motorist)

“Windshield wipers tapping out the tempo, keeping perfect rhythm with the song on the radio”. Driving My Life Away, Eddie Rabbit

I got an email from a friend about driving in the rain.

Most of us don’t like driving in the rain. It raises the anxiety levels a bit. With all the cars on the roads these days, it’s ok to freak out on the highway when you have a GMC Denaldi SUV 3 inches from your back bumper and the guy in front of you keeps tapping the brakes lights. For no reason. Because he’s a mamby pamby. Driving a Smart Car.

We’ve had alot of rain this summer. I’m not saying I’m an expert, but I’ve got some experience. Some of it is just plain common sense. I don’t care if you’re driving the latest Land Rover or BMW X6 with mud boggers on them, slow down! Can you say “HYDROPLANING”? The invention of a hydro car was long ago and none of the Big 3 have come up with an alternative since. For a reason. Cars don’t float well. Top Gear has proven this. If I’m already doing 55-60mph in the slow lane, which is really too fast for a slick road to begin with, DON’T come up on my ass with those stupid hologen headlamps blaring in my rearview mirror and expect me to pick up my speed by 5mph.  This isn’t the autobahn. Pass my ass. If you have a death wish, do it on your own time. Don’t get me involved in your suicide mission.

The email went on to say that most motorists will put their windshield wipers on full fast when the rain is heavy (problem is?) because visibility gets reduced.  BUT WAIT! THERE’S A SOLUTION!  Try sunglasses! And any model will do (how exciting!).  Oakley’s, Daisy Fuentes, Fossil, Ray Ban….whatever you fancy…..“all of a sudden the visibility in front of your windshield is perfectly clear as if it wasn’t raining” (that statement actually makes no sense, there is NOTHING IN FRONT of your windshield)

Are you kidding me?

No, I’m sorry, let me correct that- are you fucking kidding me?

First of all, you’re going to look EXTREMELY stupid driving in a rain storm with sunglasses on. Then again, if someone is looking at you instead of the rain soaked road, then yes, you must look totally ridiculous. Like Ray Charles. “OMG, is that a blind person driving that car?”. I find it difficult sometimes to drive with sunglasses on when the sun is SHINING.  I’m actually going to try this next time I’m in this situation. Not only to see if it works, but what looks I get. This could be someone’s sick joke to see how many suckers they can get to wear sunglasses while driving in the rain.

There is an upside to this:  We know there are morons behind the wheel during a rain storm. We can identify them now easily by the ones wearing the sunglasses! Hence,  now you can spot and keep your distance from them at all costs.

You’re heard of Rain X, right? Rain X only works if you’re doing like 55+ mph. Driving that fast on a very wet road is dangerous. BUT YOU’LL BE ABLE TO SEE CLEARLY OUT THE WINDSHIELD!  SO…you can tell the officer that the accident wasn’t caused by poor visibility, as they winch your car out of the ditch, but that you had to do 70mph in order for the Rain X to work. Um, yeah…right.

The email also went on to say to always carry sunglasses with you in the car at all times. Is this going to be a requirement of the emergency car kit someday? Along with the blanket, flashlight, first aid kit, flares, shovel, salt, jumpers, assorted tools, radio and books (hey, it can get boring if you’re stranded).  As if there isn’t enough crap in the car already. I do keep a pair of sunglasses in my car anyway. I just hope they’re in reach if a cloud burst every occurs.

Don’t drive with your cruise control on. I don’t use cruise control anyway. This could cause hydroplaning. Tell that to the guys in the Land Rovers and BMW X6s. Smart asses. The Toyota Sienna XLE Limited will not let you set the cruise control if the windshield wipers are on. Gee, what will those Japanese people think of next?

But really, just use common sense. That’s all. Drive slower (I should practice what I preach, right? Oh shut up) and just maintain a safe distance between you and the driver in front.

And don’t forget the sunglasses.

Super Smart Cars

Hell bent smirk on world domination. Smart Car Via Wikipedia

I blogged once about the Smart Car. I can’t stand that little turd of a automobile. It’s a death trap for one, your knees are the crash zone for gods sake! And it looks like it’s smiling at me, mockingly. I don’t care if it gets you to the moon and back in one battery charge. I won’t buy one. Ever. Besides, what it does to the environment to make those batteries is a crime in itself.

Reliant Robin Via Wikipedia

It makes the Reliant Robin “Car of the Year”
So I got these in my email:

Reminds me of an 80's Pull Back toy

Smaudi A3-Now all the Yuppies can swagger around AND save the environment!

Smamborgini-Jeremy Clarkson MAY have a tough time fitting into this one!

Smorsche-Perfect for Richard Hammond! Won't have to move the seat up!

Smerrari-Perfect for James May, I'm sure he'll be able to get his trustly little cleaning brush into EVERY NOOK AND CRANNY!

Smustang-yeah, not quite what I had in mind.

Drive By Cardboard Shootings

Have you ever been betrayed? Have you ever had so much faith in someone, trust and soul, that the last thing you would think this person would ever do is turn around and screw you? And not only you, but others around you as well? That their actions would send a domino effect of disruption throughout the masses?

What a shock it must be when they do.

Well, Ben Collins, aka “The Stig” on BBC’s “Top Gear” did just that. Bruce is race car driver, was stunt double for James Bond movies and has his own company, Collins Autosport. As “The Stig” he was the masked car driver who never spoke, had a cryptic background of being able to punch a horse to the ground, that he only knows two facts about ducks…and those were wrong, he doesn’t understand clouds, he’s a CIA experiment that went wrong, his genitals are on upside, and well, the list goes on. He even has Stig cousins around the globe. So, it’s a character that’s not taken too seriously until he got behind the wheel of a super car. Even then his choice of music was perplexing as he careened around corners on the test track in a Lamborghini or Lotus.

The Stig’s identity was a mystery. No one really knew who he was and that was the fun of it. This masked weirdo in a white jumpsuit who couldn’t put his socks on correctly could hammer out horsepower and make the world a better place was one of the reasons Top Gear drew in millions of viewers each week.

All good things must come to an end. This past September, The Stig called it quits and to everyone’s surprise and dismay, revealed himself in his “tell-all” book. Even after signing the contract with the BBC to NOT reveal himself (I’m not a lawyer, so details on what was in the contract are elusive) Mr. Collins went ahead and did it anyway. After spending copious amounts of mula, they also weren’t able to put an injunction on the book either.

I don’t even know the man, and I was shocked and felt a little jilted. I think mostly for the presenters. What a major slap in the face! This was co worker, close friend, confidant, brother in arms. The upheaval he created in the production process had to be staggering! Jeremy Clarkson, one of the presenters of Top Gear, stated in an interview that he spent the last three weeks following the shocking news of Ben Collins revealing himself as The Stig on nothing but what to do next. He was “a little hurt”. It was a blow to Top Gear and the BBC. They were down, but not out!

Ok, which brings me to the present. Keep in mind now, your close friend has just shoved your face in the mud, told everyone your dirty little secret and published it. Yeah, you’re one pissed off dude!

This week, Top Gear had their Christmas Special. Oh, and what a special it was! I haven’t seen it (not until after Christmas-the BBC is like that), but I’ve seen clips and trailers. And a special little tid bit on The Stig. In Virginia. Cardboard cut outs of The Stig were set up, and each presenter, Jeremy Clarkson in a Mercedes Benz SLS AMG, Richard Hammond in a Porsche GT3 RS and James May in a Ferrari 458 Italia, all took pot shots at them with guns. And got points for what ever body part they were able to hit. At one point, Jeremy took out an automatic and unleashed some anger.

This is where it gets sticky. I can’t say I “know” these guys. I don’t, not personally. But I “know” how they work. You have to understand THEM and the show. Especially Clarkson. And again, they are under fire (ha ha, no pun intended) for seeming heartless and cruel for wanting to shoot a human. I’m not seeing it that way. This man, Ben Collins, landed a pretty hard blow to these blokes! Emotionally and spiritually. He was part of the essence of the show. He deceived a lot of people!

I don’t believe any of them “want” to “kill” Ben Collins.

Ok, maybe they do.

But it’s a light hearted show. Take it with a grain of salt that they did this drive by shooting of The Stig. Sort of a “HELL YEAH” attitude. After all, they were in Virginia. A message of sorts to Mr. Collins. “This is what we think of your little stunt you pulled this year. We’re not happy and we’re not gonna take it.”(I know damn well more explicit words would have been said, but hey, it’s the holiday). It’s Top Gear. It’s Jeremy Clarkson. Those of you that know his work, you can agree that this is just SO him. Put yourself in their shoes over at the BBC. Think about it. Don’t you wish you could do something like this to someone who’s given you the shaft? I do. Nothing’s better than releasing some pent up frustration and anger with a semi automatic on a cardboard cut out of the enemy!

Besides, some say sticks and stones may break his bones, but bullets will never hurt him! All we know is he’s called The Stig.