Christmas Storage and Memory Loss

Each year I have a dilemma:

Where to store the Christmas presents.

It’s gotten to the point that I’m putting them in places that I can’t remember because of the lack of space in this house.

Last year I bought “The Pacific” DVD box set. It was suggested by my husband that the kids would really love to have this. Ok, who am I to argue with a bunch of WWII historians. The day I decided to go purchase said box set I had a nasty ass cold. I trudge to Barnes and Nobles with my head stuffed up and in the twilight zone. I somehow managed to make it to the video department in the back of the store (I was so stuffed up I couldn’t even smell the coffee that was brewing in the cafe) walk aimlessly around looking for the set, ask a clerk who said “Oh, it’s in the rack right behind you”, I say “No shit, really?”, turn around and with a ray of light that shone down upon said DVD box set, there it sat in it’s little spot amongst the other box sets. After purchasing said box set, I wandered over to some other part of the store where my cell phone rings and while trying to concentrate on what game to buy and talk to my friend I put some of my stuff down on a table because I was just completely exhausted. By this time my eyes are tearing and my nose is running. I finally told my friend I was about to die and that I would call her after the funeral.

SO…..after telling my car to get me home because I was totally incapable of doing it myself, I unpacked the B&N bags, wrapped everything to the best of my incoherent ability and hid everything. At least I thought I did.

Christmas Eve I find everything in it’s hiding place including the trunk of my car and put it under the tree. All is good with the world

Christmas Day everything is ducky. Then it hits me: Did anyone open the package with the DVD box set in it? I ask. The kids look at me like I’m losing it. “Mom lost a gift? That’s not right! Mom NEVER loses gifts. She’s super organized!” Now I’m racking my brain. For hours I’m harping on this. Did I leave it on that table? Did I even BUY IT??I was so out of it that day who knows. I was getting a pit in my stomach with the mere fact that I might have left it at the store and someone picked it up and took it!  I tore my closet apart, looked in drawers, under beds…nothing. Finally, at dinner a box of rocks smacks me in the head! I look up from dinner plate at my husband with this deer in the headlights look. I jump up from my chair and ran in the garage. Everyone is “wondering what the hell is wrong with her?”

I went into my car and under the driver’s seat is the box set. I remember I put it there just in case the  kids were present and I didn’t want them to ask what was in the bags. So I stuffed it under the seat to get later.

I was so relieved! All was good with the world again.

This year EVERYTHING is being crammed into my closet.  Now if I could only remember what I did with my son’s box of ornaments.

Where’s the best place that you store your goodies for Christmas?

Living in the Moment.

As I get older and as most of us do I’ve learned to let things go. This list probably would have been longer if I posted this about 5 years ago. Funny how priorities change as we age. But these are just some of the things that make me have “moments” of frustration or piss me off royally.

-When the Saran wrap, cling wrap, what ever you call it in your kitchen is just about out, don’t you wish it would hurry up and finish? You know it’s near the end of the roll,  it’s just not dispensing as smoothly as it was, the roll keeps popping out the box because it’s wound tighter at the end of the roll, and you keep using it and using it and it never seems to run out. I just wish it would run out so I can get the new roll out and finally throw the used up one away. This is a “FOR THE LOVE OF PETE-RUN OUT ALREADY” moment.

-When you’re washing dishes and you think your done only to turn around and find one more thing to wash. After washing that one thing, you dry your hands and then see one other thing that needs to be washed. So you get the dish detergent BACK out and wash that and dry and your hands and DAMN, one more thing to be washed! WTF is the moment I’m having.

-I don’t have a linen closet in my bathroom. Just the vanity with toiletries in it. So for those of us that don’t have that luxury of a linen closet in the bathroom, don’t you hate when you get out of the shower and then realize you forgot to bring a towel in with you? This is a “want to bang my head on the door” moment. Luckily, the closet is located just outside the bathroom door!

-Driving away, getting about 2 blocks from home and realizing you left your cell phone home. Or any other important device or document. This is a “DAMN IT” moment.

-Missing a phone call that you’ve been waiting for. On your cell. Because you’ve been carrying the stupid thing around all day. The minute you put it down and walk away or turn it off, you get the phone call. Another “WTF” moment.

-Forgetting that you need gas and driving around all day only to finally look down and see you’re on 1/8th of a tank! This is a “HOLY SHIT” moment.

-Opening the washing machine and finding a load of wet wash that you forgot to put in the dryer…..3 days ago! “Oops” moment coupled with a “DAMN!” moment.

-Seeing something in the store that would make a great Christmas gift and thinking “I’ll come back for it” and then going back for it and they’re sold out…and you hung out in bumper to bumper traffic just getting to the store! This is a “WTF, Don’t you restock your shelves???” moment. Someone has to be blamed!

-Waiting in line for what seems like hours, just about reaching the cashier and the person in front of you has an item without a UPC code on it. Or price tag! A definite “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” moment. Then rolling your eyes and wanting to punch the dude out!

- Not knowing what to have for dinner until 5:30pm. This is an all day moment. You think about it all day. Until 5:30pm when you just whip out some spaghetti sauce and have spaghetti for the 4th time this month.

- You’re driving around town for hours, changing the radio station to find a decent song. Pulling into the driveway, low and behold, a great song comes on. This is a “kick the radio” moment. I’ve never done that but it’s been tempting.

- After watching 10 minutes of commercials, forgetting what I was watching to begin with. A memory lapse moment for sure. Not your fault.

- Christmas commercials BEFORE Halloween. “Are you f**king kidding me” moment for me. Companies and stores don’t care. It’s all about staying in the black.

- Putting my coat on, boots, gloves just to go out to the mailbox. THEN…once I get to the mailbox there’s no mail. THEN remembering it was a bank holiday.”Feeling really stupid” moment.

- Being in the bathroom when the phone rings. “OMG!” moment.

- When the black ink runs out before the color ink cartridge does. Or vice versa. Then one or the other runs out after I put a fresh cartridge in. It seems I’m forever changing ink cartridges. “Gonna throw the printer out the window” moment.

- Car manufacturers. If you want us to drive “clean and green” bring the price of these hybrids alittle more to reality(and make them better looking). I feel, also, that there should be one channel on tv dedicated to just advertising higher end cars like Beemers and Audis.  I Do. Not. Know. a single person who can afford a Mercedes Benz, Lexus or Affinity.  So stop shoving Range Rover ads in my face while I’m watching Dr. Who. Maybe Kevin Smith can afford one but the average bloke watching him can’t. This is definitely “I hate rich people” moment.

Extreme Couponing

Ok, I’ve been quiet long enough. Long enough to say WTF!

I watched “Extreme Couponing”  on TLC the other night. Because I had nothing else better to watch and my butt hurt from sitting, so I decided to lay down and watch tv instead.  It’s all about comfort.

Well, that comfort was rudely interrupted. Now what I’m saying is not that it’s wrong to save copious amounts of money at the grocery store. Not in the least. On the contrary, the more the better! BUT! Some of these woman could swing over to “Hoarding: Buried Alive” on the same channel. Seriously.

I used to clip coupons. We used to get the Sunday paper with it’s usual weekly insert of coupons and I would diligently go through and cut the ones out that I used. Key words-”that I USED”. Not all of them. OK? This went on for many, many, many years. I even had a little coupon “wallet” that I would repeatedly leave in the shopping cart and would have to go back and confiscate because numb brain wouldn’t remember to put it back in my purse when I was done. This happened three times. And the ladies at Shop Rite always knew who’s it was when some nice Samaritan would return it.

I’m digressing here. Nothing new.

I’m watching these women, these EXTREME COUPONERS, and thinking “Are you kidding me?”. They’ve got it down to a fucking science! I mean we’ve all gone through times when money was extremely tight, cut back massively, and basically ate cardboard for dinner. But something in the brain snapped in these women.

I’m thinking OCD??

They’ve got shelves and shelves of products in their basements. Granted they’re organized and neat (another symptom of OCD). But not only in the basement. Playrooms. Their kids bedrooms!!! One woman stated she had over 1200 rolls of toilet paper UNDER her kid’s bed! And they showed it! There were packages of toilet paper just stuffed under this child’s bed! There were shelves of products in her OWN bedroom! It’s insane! That’s just not right!!!

One woman had over 50 bags of snacks…potato chips, pretzels, cheese balls, Doritos, Fritos…you name it. Her husband actually counted them as he took each bag off the shelf. Do you plan on eating all that? Thank god for preservatives!

So TLC follows these women with husband in tow into the grocery store. Some did their shopping at the butt crack of dawn. Like I said, they’ve got this down to a fracken science! And I can’t begin to tell you how many coupons in hand, and some brought their ENTIRE shoe box with them, they start. And it’s all calculated. One had a notebook laid out in front of her! Another had all 7 of her kids with her as well. Masochists!

A woman had about 15 coupons for Maalox. Maalox people!! 15 fucking coupons for a laxative! Know how many she bought?  Take a guess, take a wild guess. 35! Yes, your read that right, no need to get the reading glasses. Thirty fucking five!! Is she planning on being constipated in her old age? WHAT THE HELL IS SHE GOING TO DO WITH ALL THAT? I’m sorry, but that’s a bit excessive! All to save a bit of money.

Another woman bought 51 bottles of French’s mustard.  She was planning a bbq for 20. Eat much mustard? Are you fucking kidding me? Are you planning on a hot dog eating contest or something? Giving them as guest gifts? Her husband wanted to leave three bottles, she insisted on taking two and leaving one. What a gal!

Now, one of these thrift spenders had coupons for dry noodle mixes. We all know how many preservative and additives are in them. Yes, they are tasty, but you don’t eat them every night. And the sodium content! OFF THE SCALE! So, she is explaining why she won’t buy the big box of potato flakes instead of the noodle mixes. She get’s more of a deal with the noodle mixes. Screw the nutritional value, the family will have to deal with high blood pressure, but hell, she saved a whopping .30 cents or something on each packet. And she bought like 10 or so of them. Maybe more.

Now we’re at the check out. It took one woman 2 1/2 hours!!! At one point, the cash registere maxed out! The cashier had to scan some coupons to bring the total back down to were it would unlock! It had gotten up to over…..$1200! I pity the poor person who had to bag all that.

Meanwhile, the nifty thrifty lady was having heart palpitations because she had gone over her $500 mark. I’m sure most of this drama is scripted so I’m taking her panic attack with a grain of salt. While the cashier is deducting her savings from the 100 coupons she handed in, a small crowd of people have gathered (I’m sure having a tv camera in view of it all helped). As we watch the numbers tumble on her grocery bill, the final number she paid?

$5.97

I.kid.you.not!

She had over $12oo worth of groceries. But these woman just aren’t collecting the flyer insert of just THEIR newspapers and getting them online. Oh no……….they get ALL the inserts from ALL the papers that weren’t sold at their neighbor store. And they clip ALL of them. Logging it into their laptops, categorizing them, and doing their calculations. Their eyes bugging out the whole time. You could almost see them trembling with anticipation to see if they could top their last bill.

This is a sickness. I’m sorry, but if you need to buy and hoard that much food all for the sake of saving money, get a job yourself. I’ve been in that arena of unemployment and money is very tight. But the last thing I was going to do was obsess over my food bill. Cut your cost somewhere else. Maybe skip the manicure. Hair tinting? Have a garage sale.

Clipping coupons is great. Like I said, I used to do it. Check the local flyers for weekly specials. Super. And if you have a store that has double coupons, which some of these stores had on TLC, then yahoo,  duh double winning!

But when you start getting the calculator out and logging shit into your computer and buying massive amounts of products to the point where you’ve taken the stores entire stock and you have to store this stuff in other rooms of your house, time to step away from the shopping cart. Get some help. Or sell you kids into slavery. Tell them to mow lawns for the neighbors.

Tis The Season To Be Malled

What was so wonderful about going to the mall? At 14 I couldn’t wait to get my license so I could drive down the Garden State Parkway for 20 minutes, exit off in Woodbridge, and fight the traffic to get into the biggest mall I’d ever seen. I could walk for hours, window shopping, checking boys out, buying my own clothes which made me feel so grown up, even trailing after my mom wasn’t too bad. All these stores under one roof! A teenagers dream! Then of course, after I got my license, I could visit MANY malls. And many malls I did visit! And shop I did. I used to work across from a mall. Ah, those were the days!

Has the mystique of malls worn off? Is it because I can’t tolerate crowds anymore? The whinny, uncontrolled, “left to their own devices” children? The rude women that feel they’re the only ones in the whole damn place and walk….real….slow…..in……the…..middle…..of…..the traffic flow then stop short to look at the sale in Victoria’s Secrets and you take a quick look at THEM to see what THEY could possibly be looking at in THERE that would possibly benefit them (and keep from throwing up in your mouth at the same time). I often wonder what the old men are thinking while they sit there on the many benches lining the walk ways waiting for Gertrude to come out of Lord and Taylors. Half of them are napping.

Or is it that ADD kicks in at the older age? I seem to get overwhelmed when I walk into the mall. If I’m only in JC Penneys, I’m fine. Once I walk out into the halls and halls of stores that are lined up along the sides I seem to lose focus. “What was I here for again?? Birthday card, right, OH, Yankee Candle……”!

I visit the mall once a year now. Partly because it’s financial. It IS more expensive at the mall. Though the selection is broader, I’ll stick to strip mall shopping. Easy in, easy out. The one thing I hate dealing with are the drivers who HAVE TO HAVE THE PARKING SPOT NEXT TO THE HANDICAPPED SPOT! They tailgate you and you KNOW they’re hoping you don’t pull into THEIR spot. The closer to the entrance, the better for them. I usually park in Osh Kosh Land which is in the next county. I don’t have the patience to drive around looking for the ultimate spot closest to the mall entry. It also avoids the pings you get on your car doors. I like room to swing those puppies open. Just land the vehicle and walk. It’s the only exercise I get. Half the time, I’m parked and walking into the mall while the lady who was eager to cut me off at the intersection that has since found out that the spot next to the handicapped one has been taken, is still looking for a place to park. These are the same people that scout the lot looking for shoppers who finished shopping and are going to their cars. These scavengers will follow behind them ever so slowly. Once the person is in their car, on goes the directional signal claiming ownership of the spot. “THIS IS TAKEN!” I know these things…my mom used to do it. If I encounter someone like that, I’ll walk down the isle with this person creeping behind me, then shift my direction to the next isle over. I’m such an asshole.

If I have to go to the mall, I prefer to go during the most insane time of year. Christmas. I try to go early, when they first open, because I know there’s going to be an onslaught of half crazed moms with sniveling little kids in strollers ascending upon the place around lunchtime to see Santa, as well as the local office workers. But I like the over sized decorations they have displayed. The humongous elves that look like they’re wrapping presents, moving robotically to the music that is being piped in from who knows where. The over modern, perfectly shaped Christmas tree that stretches to the ceiling with it’s fake branches holding 5 lbs of fake snow with 12″ diameter ornaments that must weigh about 4 lbs each, towering at least 150 feet high. I feel sorry for the poor soul that had to climb the ladder(or go up in the cherry picker) to put the over-sized star on it. But the window dressings are always a treat. What boggles my mind is the amount of money spent on all that stuff alone!

I haven’t gone yet this Christmas season. I’m sure I’m not missing anything other than rambunctious children running on sugar highs around the place with their zombie moms. Or the miles of traffic. I guess everyone can be masochistic once in a while. Maybe the mall Santa will give me a candy cane.

It’s NOT The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

You can’t evade it.

You can’t even hide from it.

It always finds you even if you think you’ve eluded it for a time.

Christmas shopping.

It’s fast approaching.

And I don’t even want to go into the “card giving” issue. Which is a whole other blog post in itself.

I Christmas shop all year long, not on purpose, but if I see an item for my kids or husband that they may like, I’ll buy it and find a place to hide it for, oh, 9 months or so. In a small house like mine, that can be a challenge, especially if it’s bigger than a breadbox. I figure doing it this way alleviates the pressure in November and December. But it doesn’t always work. I usually end up doing it 8 weeks before the big day.

But I’ve always thought what a preposterous ritual it all is (that and wakes). Especially in this day and age of losing homes, foreclosures, unemployment, cut backs and just not enough money. What the hell are we all thinking? I mean it’s just absurd to go out and buy such exuberant amounts of items all at once. No wonder everyone is going bankrupt! Happy Fucking Holidays my ass!

It’s one thing to purchase birthday gifts. That’s two, three, maybe four items. But Christmas is just a whole bizarre shopping frenzy!

Let’s say you decided “NO! I’m not doing it this year. I’ll send cards or make cookies for everyone”. Grandma Martha, who did go out and buy copious amounts of items for everyone on HER list, will be hurt that she didn’t get anything from you (she’s diabetic and can’t eat cookies, though she did enjoy your card). So you got ANOTHER pair of Christmas socks from her….”it’s the thought that counts” and well, there wasn’t much thought in it now was there? Better than the magazine subscription to “Psychology Today” (my mom used to get that! Talk about B-O-R-I-N-G!) that Uncle Martin and Aunt Clara got you the year before and you hope to hell they don’t renew it for you!

What about the gift you probably didn’t really like, how do you recipricate that? You hated the item you received, choked on your “thank you, I love it!” and now you’re stuck with a CD of the Boston Pops do Barry Manilow. You have this ingrained in your memory, the CD is still in it’s wrapper, and you can’t even give it away on Ebay. Hmmm, rewrapping it MIGHT work if they’re suffering from dementia. Or give them the socks Grandma Martha gave you LAST year and hope she doesn’t make you lift your pants leg to see if you’re wearing them. Payback can be a REAL bitch!

I don’t even remember what I bought last year for my family and I get away with it easily. I only have my two boys and my husband and I don’t even have to buy him anything. I told him not to get me anything because he just stresses over what to get me. He’ll go to Walmart with a shopping cart and go up and down the isles. For three years in a row I got magenta colored gloves. I still have a set in my closet, still in the package. I’m set for life with gloves especially magenta colored ones. Measuring cups, knick knacks, decorative bottles, I don’t know what he’s thinking. Jewelry my man, music CD’s, stuff for my car…am I THAT hard to shop for? So I just told him to save his soul and don’t bother. Last year he bought as a “family gift” this mechanical dog that you strap to your leg and when you turn it on, it looks like it’s humping you all the while making these “AHHH, OOOOOH, AAAHHH” until it climaxes. It was funny the first umpteen times we did it on Christmas day. It’s sitting in my closet somewhere now. Great. I’m thinking “garagesale”…….

Every year, though, we march out into the cold cruel world of retail, wholesale, and just “on-sale” and beat our brains til it’s pulp for 4 or 5 months of VISA and MasterCard payments, stuff we may or may not use (usually the latter), and standing on line to return something you either bought LAST year or doesn’t fit. And then we turn around and do it ALL OVER AGAIN!!!

I don’t know anyone that enjoys Christmas shopping. What a bunch of masochists we are!

 

 

Malled

Google images

What was so wonderful about going to the mall? At 14 I couldn’t wait to get my license so I could drive down the Garden State Parkway for 20 minutes, exit off in Woodbridge, and fight the traffic to get into the biggest mall I’d ever seen.  I could walk for hours, window shopping, checking boys out, buying my own clothes which made me feel so grown up,  even trailing after my mom wasn’t too bad. Then of course, when I got my license, I could visit MANY malls. And many malls I did visit! And shop I did. I used to work across from a mall. Ah, those were the days!

Has the mystique of malls has worn off.  Is it because I can’t tolerate crowds anymore? The whinny, uncontrolled, “left to their own devices” children? The rude, fat women that feel they’re the only ones in the whole damn place and walk….real….slow…..in……the…..middle…..of…..the traffic flow then stop short to look at the sale in Victoria’s Secrets and you take a quick look to see what THEY could possibly be looking at in there that would benefit them (and keep from throwing up in your mouth at the same time). I often wonder what the old men are thinking while they sit there on the many benches lining the walk ways waiting for Gertrude to come out of Lord and Taylors.

Or is it that ADD kicks in at the older age? I seem to get overwhelmed when I walk into the mall. If I’m only in JC Penneys, I’m fine. Once I walk out into the halls and halls of stores that are lined up along the sides I seem to lose focus. “What was I here for again?? Birthday card, right, OH, Yankee Candle……”!

I visit the mall once a year now. Partly because it’s financial. It IS more expensive at the mall. Though the selection is broader, I’ll stick to strip mall shopping. Easy in, easy out. The only thing you have to deal with are the drivers who HAVE TO HAVE THE PARKING SPOT NEXT TO THE HANDICAPPED SPOT! The closer, the better. I usually park in Osh Kosh Land…the next county? I don’t have the patience to drive around looking for the ultimate spot closest to the door. Just land the vehicle and walk. It’s the only exercise I get.  Half the time, I’m parked and the lady who was eager to cut me off at the intersection is still looking for a spot. I win. It also avoids the pings you get on your doors. I like room to swing those puppies open.

If I have to go to the mall, I prefer to go during the most insane time of year. Christmas. I try to go early, when they first open, because I know there’s going to be an onslaught of half crazed moms with sniveling little kids in strollers ascending upon the place around lunchtime to see Santa as well as the local office workers. But I like the over sized decorations they have displayed. The humongous elves that look like they’re wrapping presents, moving robotically to the music that is being piped in from who knows where. The over modern Christmas tree that stretches to the ceiling, at least 150 feet high. I feel sorry for the poor soul that had to climb the ladder(or go up in the cherry picker) to put the oversized star on it. But the window dressings are always a treat. What boggles my mind is the money spent on just that stuff alone.

So I’m kind of glad I don’t have to go to the mall today. It wasn’t a real urgent need. It can wait. And I saved myself about $130. And the mental stress associated with it.