Lessons Learned

Being that I haven’t been on a so called “vacation” in about 12 years, I’m not really used to being away from home for more than three days. I’ve gone to visit friends for an over night or for a couple days, but that’s about the extent of my R&R.

So you’ll have to bare with me (not to be confused with BEING bare with me) as I’m still reelin’ from this.

When I was asked by my father to stay with him while his “girlfriend” (I use that term loosely) underwent a surgical procedure, I was more than happy to “hang out” with dad for a week. Hell, it was at the lake, the bitch wasn’t going to be there and I hadn’t had a decent visit with my dad in years.  That week turned into 2 1/2 weeks. Not to say it was horrible. I mean, I was on a lake, in the woods where it’s very quiet! All I really had to do was make sure dad didn’t fall and to make sure he took his meds. I had my boat, my computer, my oldest was with me, and all was good.

Sort of. I had no internet (dad doesn’t do computers) or phone service (T Mobile rots). I had to go either to the top of my driveway for SOME service or downtown. I must have played over 100 games of Spider Solitaire and only won two of them.

Not to get into the “interesting” details of those past weeks and bore you, I have learned the following. I’m also passing on some useful advice for whenever you go on a prolonged vacation:

Men don’t food shop.

Well, they do, but not logically. Calcium comes in the form of ice cream. Proteins are deli sandwiches, Dinty Moore Beef Stew and hot dogs. I will give my husband credit-he made, from scratch, cucumber salad from a recipe!! We have a bumper crop of cukes, so he actually took it upon himself to be Julia Child for a moment. Unfortunately, no Next Foodnetwork Chef here.

Bring TWO pair of sunglasses.

This way when you lose a pair(or sit a one), you’ll have back up. ‘Nuf said.

Make sure a Mall is near by wherever you are.

Sanity is important when it’s raining or your forced to wait around for someone while they’re visiting someone in the hospital. especially if it’s someone you really don’t care about visiting. If you need to know what stores are in the Galleria Mall in Middletown, NY, let me know. Oh, they know me well at Target as well. The employees are ultra friendly.

Have iPod, will travel.

Stealing internet from local establishments isn’t a crime. Shame on them if they don’t secure it. Of course, there is fake internet. You’re connected but they have so many firewalls and site blockers that all you can access is THEIR website. Therefore, you’re forced to play “Angry Birds”. Make sure you have tons of music loaded on your iPod as well.

I thank “Irene’s Kitchen” (wasn’t really a kitchen, more like a candy/ice cream shop, I thought it was a luncheonette) for their free WiFi.

Bars, restaurants and concert halls are not the only places you’ll find a piano.

Orange Regional Medical Center is brand spankin’ new as of August 5. I was privileged to experience this. Their front lobby with cathedral ceiling and orchid plants housed a baby grand piano in the corner with a smooth jazz pianist at the keys. Impressive! The gift shop wasn’t anything to sneeze at either. The coffee shop would give Star Bucks a run for their coffee beans! I was half expecting someone in black tie and tails to come up to me with a tray with a champagne glass on it. “Champagne Madam?”. No thank  you, but I will have a beer.

Appointments with doctors aren’t real.

It’s a rare thing seeing your doctor at the appointed time you were assigned or called for. A 9:00am appoint will turn into a 9:45am appointment.

And it will only last 15 minutes. I swear doctors have little timers in their lab coats that vibrate when 15 minutes is up.

Allow 5 minutes extra time for EVERYTHING.

Elderly men walk slow.

Real slow.

Over pack.

When I left my happy home here in NE PA, it was 85 degrees and humid. I brought with me 4 tank tops, 4 pairs of shorts, 2 pairs of cropped jeans and one pair of long denim jeans as well as some t shirts and one nice blouse, my sneakers, nice pair of Sketchers and flip flops, tons of undies and an extra bra (I always bring an extra bra…..imagine if your bra strap broke or something!!!).  Good thing I over packed! Not only was my stay extended, but the temp never got to 80 degrees in the mountains and it rained 7 out of the 17 days I was up there.

This is why there’s weather.com.

Some women are just assholes.

No matter how hard you try or what you do, some women aren’t ever appreciative. Next time? The flowers on the deck will die.

Hoarding

….is a sickness. I have a candidate for TLC. In this case, tough love was the answer.  When the princess is away, the witch will play….BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA….stupid packets!

ATM’s

I’m not the type of person that carries a ton of money around. No one is. I also hate using my credit card (I don’t know anyone that does either) But I don’t like ATM’s. Too tempting. I never had an ATM card until recently. Never needed one. My bank just got sold and EVERYONE was issued an ATM/DEBIT card.  On this little venture, it was a god send since I didn’t have my checkbook on me.  Since I was in the sticks, driving anywhere was taxing the gas tank (and my engine-I wasn’t expecting to be driving 35 minutes every other day to Middletown, NY-UP AND DOWN MOUNTAINS-my poor little ’94 Exploder was just about living up to its name). Also, I don’t care where you go to grocery shop FOOD IS EXPENSIVE! Thank you VISA. It’s everywhere you are!

Ford Exploder

You can fit A-LOT of garbage and recyclables as well as cardboard in the back of these trucks!

And if your truck all of a sudden starts running like shit, check your vacuum hoses. Amazing how well it will run when they’re in position.

 

I’m ready for next time, minus the piano player at the Medical Center.  I don’t care if I ever see that place again. But I will definitely make a stop at the Galleria Mall to say hi to my friends in Target!

 

Tis The Season To Be Malled

What was so wonderful about going to the mall? At 14 I couldn’t wait to get my license so I could drive down the Garden State Parkway for 20 minutes, exit off in Woodbridge, and fight the traffic to get into the biggest mall I’d ever seen. I could walk for hours, window shopping, checking boys out, buying my own clothes which made me feel so grown up, even trailing after my mom wasn’t too bad. All these stores under one roof! A teenagers dream! Then of course, after I got my license, I could visit MANY malls. And many malls I did visit! And shop I did. I used to work across from a mall. Ah, those were the days!

Has the mystique of malls worn off? Is it because I can’t tolerate crowds anymore? The whinny, uncontrolled, “left to their own devices” children? The rude women that feel they’re the only ones in the whole damn place and walk….real….slow…..in……the…..middle…..of…..the traffic flow then stop short to look at the sale in Victoria’s Secrets and you take a quick look at THEM to see what THEY could possibly be looking at in THERE that would possibly benefit them (and keep from throwing up in your mouth at the same time). I often wonder what the old men are thinking while they sit there on the many benches lining the walk ways waiting for Gertrude to come out of Lord and Taylors. Half of them are napping.

Or is it that ADD kicks in at the older age? I seem to get overwhelmed when I walk into the mall. If I’m only in JC Penneys, I’m fine. Once I walk out into the halls and halls of stores that are lined up along the sides I seem to lose focus. “What was I here for again?? Birthday card, right, OH, Yankee Candle……”!

I visit the mall once a year now. Partly because it’s financial. It IS more expensive at the mall. Though the selection is broader, I’ll stick to strip mall shopping. Easy in, easy out. The one thing I hate dealing with are the drivers who HAVE TO HAVE THE PARKING SPOT NEXT TO THE HANDICAPPED SPOT! They tailgate you and you KNOW they’re hoping you don’t pull into THEIR spot. The closer to the entrance, the better for them. I usually park in Osh Kosh Land which is in the next county. I don’t have the patience to drive around looking for the ultimate spot closest to the mall entry. It also avoids the pings you get on your car doors. I like room to swing those puppies open. Just land the vehicle and walk. It’s the only exercise I get. Half the time, I’m parked and walking into the mall while the lady who was eager to cut me off at the intersection that has since found out that the spot next to the handicapped one has been taken, is still looking for a place to park. These are the same people that scout the lot looking for shoppers who finished shopping and are going to their cars. These scavengers will follow behind them ever so slowly. Once the person is in their car, on goes the directional signal claiming ownership of the spot. “THIS IS TAKEN!” I know these things…my mom used to do it. If I encounter someone like that, I’ll walk down the isle with this person creeping behind me, then shift my direction to the next isle over. I’m such an asshole.

If I have to go to the mall, I prefer to go during the most insane time of year. Christmas. I try to go early, when they first open, because I know there’s going to be an onslaught of half crazed moms with sniveling little kids in strollers ascending upon the place around lunchtime to see Santa, as well as the local office workers. But I like the over sized decorations they have displayed. The humongous elves that look like they’re wrapping presents, moving robotically to the music that is being piped in from who knows where. The over modern, perfectly shaped Christmas tree that stretches to the ceiling with it’s fake branches holding 5 lbs of fake snow with 12″ diameter ornaments that must weigh about 4 lbs each, towering at least 150 feet high. I feel sorry for the poor soul that had to climb the ladder(or go up in the cherry picker) to put the over-sized star on it. But the window dressings are always a treat. What boggles my mind is the amount of money spent on all that stuff alone!

I haven’t gone yet this Christmas season. I’m sure I’m not missing anything other than rambunctious children running on sugar highs around the place with their zombie moms. Or the miles of traffic. I guess everyone can be masochistic once in a while. Maybe the mall Santa will give me a candy cane.

Malled

Google images

What was so wonderful about going to the mall? At 14 I couldn’t wait to get my license so I could drive down the Garden State Parkway for 20 minutes, exit off in Woodbridge, and fight the traffic to get into the biggest mall I’d ever seen.  I could walk for hours, window shopping, checking boys out, buying my own clothes which made me feel so grown up,  even trailing after my mom wasn’t too bad. Then of course, when I got my license, I could visit MANY malls. And many malls I did visit! And shop I did. I used to work across from a mall. Ah, those were the days!

Has the mystique of malls has worn off.  Is it because I can’t tolerate crowds anymore? The whinny, uncontrolled, “left to their own devices” children? The rude, fat women that feel they’re the only ones in the whole damn place and walk….real….slow…..in……the…..middle…..of…..the traffic flow then stop short to look at the sale in Victoria’s Secrets and you take a quick look to see what THEY could possibly be looking at in there that would benefit them (and keep from throwing up in your mouth at the same time). I often wonder what the old men are thinking while they sit there on the many benches lining the walk ways waiting for Gertrude to come out of Lord and Taylors.

Or is it that ADD kicks in at the older age? I seem to get overwhelmed when I walk into the mall. If I’m only in JC Penneys, I’m fine. Once I walk out into the halls and halls of stores that are lined up along the sides I seem to lose focus. “What was I here for again?? Birthday card, right, OH, Yankee Candle……”!

I visit the mall once a year now. Partly because it’s financial. It IS more expensive at the mall. Though the selection is broader, I’ll stick to strip mall shopping. Easy in, easy out. The only thing you have to deal with are the drivers who HAVE TO HAVE THE PARKING SPOT NEXT TO THE HANDICAPPED SPOT! The closer, the better. I usually park in Osh Kosh Land…the next county? I don’t have the patience to drive around looking for the ultimate spot closest to the door. Just land the vehicle and walk. It’s the only exercise I get.  Half the time, I’m parked and the lady who was eager to cut me off at the intersection is still looking for a spot. I win. It also avoids the pings you get on your doors. I like room to swing those puppies open.

If I have to go to the mall, I prefer to go during the most insane time of year. Christmas. I try to go early, when they first open, because I know there’s going to be an onslaught of half crazed moms with sniveling little kids in strollers ascending upon the place around lunchtime to see Santa as well as the local office workers. But I like the over sized decorations they have displayed. The humongous elves that look like they’re wrapping presents, moving robotically to the music that is being piped in from who knows where. The over modern Christmas tree that stretches to the ceiling, at least 150 feet high. I feel sorry for the poor soul that had to climb the ladder(or go up in the cherry picker) to put the oversized star on it. But the window dressings are always a treat. What boggles my mind is the money spent on just that stuff alone.

So I’m kind of glad I don’t have to go to the mall today. It wasn’t a real urgent need. It can wait. And I saved myself about $130. And the mental stress associated with it.