Turkey Sandwich? Yes, Just eat it! Or starve.

Growing up, I never wanted kids.  I found them to be demanding and whinny.  I literally cried when I found out I was pregnant. But I pulled my big girl panties up and dealt with it. I was lucky to have a child who was easy going and laughed alot. Even though he blew out the speakers on my stereo, I managed to let him know that I wasn’t happy about it. Yes, I yelled at him, but he had to understand you don’t turn the little knob up to “10″, THEN turn the stereo on. He wasn’t a real fussy eater either. My second was, to put it nicely, a challenge. They say the second one is usually a total opposite of your first. They weren’t kidding.

Charlie tried my patience-constantly. He was a turd from the git go. I called him “Icas” after the character on the Nickelodeon cartoon “Real Monsters” because that’s what he was-a real monster.  I didn’t tolerate his temper tantrums or his fussy eating habits.  If he didn’t want it, then that was it. This wasn’t a restaurant. Eat or wait til the next meal.  Yes, I was mommy dearest when it came to him. We butted heads constantly.

I know alot of my friends probably didn’t agree with my parenting practices, then again, I didn’t always agree with theirs.  And we all have people we know that just don’t share the same philosophies on raising kids. And I’ve noticed that as the generations carry on, the more adamant they are becoming. I’m not going to get into the different ideas or practices that are out there, but moms have become quite opinionated on that THEIR way is the only way. And your way is wrong.

Yesterday was no different. I had my nieces and their kids over to swim as well as my sister-in-law, who’s a riot! My one niece is a Tasmanian Devil, she has too many irons in her fire and probably shouldn’t have had the third child. The 4 year old is in daycare, 6 year old is going into second grade (she’s an art teacher in South Jersey-she lives in North Jersey-can you imagine the commute?) or their grandmother (my sister-in-law) is taking care of them, all three including the 10 month old. My sister-in-law is in her late 60′s! SO…..when it came to lunch yesterday, the 6 year old “princess” didn’t want the turkey sandwich that her aunt (the other niece who was the this mother’s sister) bought. As her mother rattled off “do you want this? Or this? Or this?”her daughter was just answering “no” after everything. After numerous attempts and different combinations of this sandwich for which to entice her to eat it, I piped up with “You want pizza”?

Her facial expression changed as she just looked at me. “Does it have pepperoni on it?” I told her I was only kidding that I didn’t have pizza. It disappointed her tremendously. I was just so pissed off at both parties. I just wanted to see if she was actually listening or just being difficult. She was being both. I have no idea what was resolved because I just tuned myself out of the whole thing.  I wanted to tell this little brat “Eat what you want off of the effin’ sandwich or nothing”. And carried on. Let her cry and rant and pout. I know her mother was “WTF” with me.

As the course of the day went on, she settled down somewhat. I showed her how to make a hemp anklet and she picked out some charms for a cell phone leash/zipper pull. While I was doing 5 things at once, she would constantly seek me out and remind me of something I told her I would show her or do for her. She’s also one of the most accident prone kids. Athletic, but just clumsy. She hurt herself three times. None of the other 8 kids (except her little sister, she managed to hurt herself once) even whimpered.

The two of them (her and her little sister) were the most noisy and whinny.

I think alot of her issues are attention driven. Or lack of.

It didn’t help that it rained and the kids ended up in the house (thankfully my son who is very good with kids was able to entertain the two 4 year olds). I had NO problem with the other kids.

I really should just have kept my mouth shut and let the mother deal with it, but after awhile, like 3 minutes of negotiating, it got old. Something had to give. Lesson learned: I still don’t have patience for demanding kids. So shut up.

My niece is a good mom, but I think she’s exasperated. I don’t know how much help her husband is, or even how much he’s home. But I’m going to think twice before I have them over again. I’m beyond this time in my life. I have different issues to contend with.

 

Greatest Inventions

I thought long and hard about these ingenious discoveries.

No I didn’t.

Toilet Paper. Angel Soft, Charmin, Scott, what ever you use, thank goodness we don’t have to use the Sears Catalog anymore. Or whatever catalog comes in your mail these days. If I had to, I’d use a tabloid with Hollywood’s finest in it. Take that Diaz!

Dish Soap. How many times have you run out of dish soap and it really messed up your day? Especially at dinner time. Either for the dish washer or for the regular “can’t go in the dishwasher” dishes, you have to have that stuff-on-hand-at-all-times! There really is no substitute.

Bread Machines. I love fresh bread, I hate kneading it. It also makes pizza and sweet roll dough. Now if I could get it to wash dishes and do bathrooms.

The Light Bulb. You know it! When that power goes out, you light the candles. I’ll put a couple around the house so we don’t go stumbling down staircases or miss the commode when nature calls. But admit it, you know the power is out, yet when you walk into a room you go right for the light switch! And feel stupid. And then realize how much you appreciate the flick of the switch to illuminate your life.

Computer Technology. My laptop is my life. Sad existence I know. But when you live in a state that hates you, this little nugget of goodness is my savior. As is my iPod. My portable stereo system. Take away my technology, I break your face!

The car. Did you think I was going to do a post without a mere mention of the automobile? It’s been a while. And it’s not that it gets you from A to B conveniently. It doesn’t. Not conveniently at least. Between gas prices and highway/road congestion, it’s a miracle more people don’t commit suicide during rush hour. That’s why it’s SO important to have a car you can be comfortable in. It may be a beater, but make it your little beater haven from home. Cover those seats in those neat seat covers you get at Wallyworld, make sure that damn radio works, get an iPod or MP3 player adaptor for said damn radio, descent sunglasses (ok, you’re car may not be cool, but at least you can), a bottle of water and you’re good as golden.

Pot Sticker. OMG, I want to kiss the little Chinese lady that came up with these! It’s the only thing I feel China should be importing. Those and Chinese food.

Curse Words. I always feel better when I get a good “FUCK!”,”SHIT!” or “ASS HOLE out of my system.”. My potty mouth is quite foul at times. I try not to let fly the nasty words that seem to make a situation better for some reason when enunciated at high and loud octaves, but they do slip by sometimes. And I feel better. Shouldn’t hold that anger in they say. Depends on my mood. Another reason my car is a great invention-what a super place to let loose some foul verbiage on an unsuspecting idiot who didn’t use his/her turn signal while yaking on his/her cell.

VHS/DVD’s/TV. Actually, any broadcasting media. I was one of those mothers that used these things as a babysitter occasionally. I didn’t need two hyper, over stimulated on juice from other neighborhood moms kids jumping up and down on me while trying to fix supper. Or bothering me on the phone (that’s a major pet peeve of mine!). As far as I’m concerned, it’s OK to use it for “things that need to be done around the house without the constant interruptions of off-spring”. When used in moderation of course.

Home Depot/Lowes. I know what you’re all thinking, “IS SHE FUCKIN’ KIDDING ME?” I myself believe in supporting the little guy. But sometimes the little guy doesn’t have what the big guy has. And that usually is what I need. My motto for these two mega giants? “The places you love to hate but thank god they’re there!”.

Candy. I know it’s not really an invention, more of a discovery that wow, when you extract, heat and cool the sap from cane, you get sugar. If it has sugar in it, I’ll eat it. I don’t have 4 or 5 fillings and a gold crown for nothin’! I worked hard on rotting those teeth! They’re my crowning achievements! Moving on……………

The Late Night Talk Show. How many celebrity meltdowns have we seen due to these shows? From Late Night with Johnny Carson to Conan…there have been some real doosies! Even though Oprah isn’t late night, I think she should be included.

Sunglasses. Not only do they protect your eyes from the UV of the sun, but they can even make the dorkiest looking person look cool. Even Bill Gates has hope.

Teleprompters. Obama would agree. But think about it, some of us aren’t that well equipped with photographic memories. I’m not. I can’t even remember what I wrote sometimes when blogging. And it’s not that these little mechanisms help sometimes. You have to be able to read. And for some, especially sports casters and celebs, it’s a chore. I love watching them screw up when they missed something while the words are scrolling away. Usually at awards ceremonies. You know how nervous they are. And they start fumbling and stumbling. And they think they’re perfect……pffft.

Spell Check. I pride myself on good spelling. I always did well on spelling tests. We all need alittle help now and then. Get your sunglasses out Bill Gates, yes, you did good on this one!

If you can think of some, leave it in the comments below. I’ll add it giving credit.

I have a submission here from Tiny Temper:

Duvet Covers. “I’d like to add duvets to the list. Remember the old days of sheets and blankets that stayed rigid all night? It was like sleeping in concrete!” They also can inexpensively change the look of a room in a jiffy! HGTV would be proud!

Autismarmymom feels her TiVo is one of the greatest inventions:

“I also cannot live without TiVo…I can’t even remember the days before I could rewind live TV. Thank God this was invented by the time I had a kid because she makes so much noise I’m rewinding constantly to see what I missed.”

ldbdiaries has this to add to the list:

“I’d add my old Rival crock pot and HAIR DRYERS for those who need extra fluffing!!”

Pamelot added:

“And Powerade Zero. Because I can’t drink alcohol. Without them, I’d have killed my children long ago.”

Kim Sisto Robinson mentioned this one and I’m shocked that I didn’t think of it first!

“and Chocolate! xxx”

Ms. Jenny Beans has this to say about Remote Controls:

“Remote controls! Because who wants to get off her sorry ass to walk five feet to change the TV?!” And the frantic search to find the damn thing when it’s missing!! No TV commences until it has been located!

Why Did Mommy Leave?

Ok, I’m touching on a subject here that’s very controversial. Feel free to leave now.

I’m talking about Rahna Rizzuto, the woman who left her kids at the ages of 3 and 5 to live in Japan. Claims she didn’t want kids. But she had them anyway.

I’m not going to pursue the issue of the young mother who gets pregnant. The “oops” child.

We’re talking about a woman who got married, then had children. She applied for a grant, thinking she wouldn’t get it, ended up getting it, and decided to pursue this “dream” of going to Japan. No one forced her. She went on her own free will. Having an “epiphany” while in Japan, she felt she no longer wanted to be a mom.

Well sweetie, SUCK.  IT.  UP!

How many of us have wondered and said “I don’t want to do this anymore?”*raising my hand high*

I can’t begin to tell you how many times I thought “WHY THE HELL AM I DOING THIS!??” After I’ve cleaned up the multitude of puke and accidents, cleaned and recleaned their rooms for the 4th time in one day, cooked, cleaned, made appointments, clothes shopped, chauffeured for sporting events and games, dealt with ANOTHER irate mom over some stupid issue with the PTA, after being talked back to by one son, bailed out one or the other from a financial crisis, accompanied one to court hearings, I mean you get the picture.

Do you really think I enjoyed all that all the time? OF COURSE NOT!

What I wouldn’t do right now to pack my bags, buy a plane ticket and grab American Airlines to haul my sorry ass over to England and never come back. I’m not saying what’s going on in my household is horrifying, someone is always worse off, but I’m tired. I haven’t been on a vacation in over 10 years. I think I deserve it. I will do this, but not until I feel everyone is stable enough in life to proceed without my assistance. I have an obligation here. A responsibility? Commitment? HELLO?I didn’t want kids either. I cried when I got pregnant. But ya know, you have to take responsibility for your actions. They may have been coddled in some ways, but they’re independent and thriving.

I seriously think there is something wrong with this woman. She has no conscience. She needs counseling.  Sadly, I’m sure she’s not the only one that has decided that raising kids isn’t her thing. As a matter of fact, I KNOW she’s not the only one that has abandoned her role as matriarch. Seek help if that’s how your feeling.

What did this poor husband feel like when she announced all this? How do you explain to your kids that mommy doesn’t want to live with us any more?  For the sake of the kids, you hope the husband found a new wife and was able to raise the kids as her own.

Meanwhile, mom is living her dream. She’s an author (I’ve read some of her work, I’m not impressed) now and probably going to make a mint on all this. Someone should write a book about STAYING with their kids through out their lives.

If being a mom wasn’t what she wanted, would the kids have suffered if she stayed? Would she have been a bad mom? Would she have disregarded their needs? Would she have beaten them? We’ll never know.

And “Tiger Mom” got grief for her strict parenting practices. Shit, she’s a friggin’ saint compared to this woman!

After thought: I think even if she stayed with the family, she would have eventually divorced being that her heart wasn’t in it. So these kids were doomed. They had a part time mom from the git go.

Things You Will Never Hear My Kids (or my husband) Say

Wouldn’t it be refreshing to hear your kids or husband say something different other than “But I don’t want to go to school!!”, “I hate meatloaf!”, “Can I have some money for gas?” or for you moms with little ones “Why?”.

So here’s some statements that would shock the hell out of me if I ever heard them upon my ears. They may even cause them to bleed.

May I have more salad please?
Veggies are taboo to these two. They won’t eat anything green. Except M&M’s. If I insist, they’ll begrudgingly eat it, but pick the stuff out they don’t like. Annoying.

Can we have asparagus or broccoli tonight with dinner?
I’m sure these two side dishes aren’t a big hit with too many families either. I used to hate them. Why wouldn’t my kids? But now I love them. When I serve them, I might as well as served poop in a bowl.

I LOVE LIVER!
Ha! Both practically lose their cookies at the mere sound of the word “liver”.

I have to do my homework before I watch that program tonight.
Ok, moms, how many of you hear this? One, two, maybe three of you? What method of torture did you use? Please tell. Others need to know.

Can I help with taking the garbage out Dad?
You would have thought we were using Chinese water torture to get them to help us. “OMG, I have to empty my wastebasket? NO! NO! Stop! Please, don’t make me do such a dubious task!”. Slackers!

I should fold my laundry
They’ll wash it but NEVER attempt to fold it. One just puts it back in the hamper from which it emerged from, the other just moves it from one laundry basket to the other in his room.

I’ll do the dishes tonight
Don’t get me wrong, they’ve done dishes….at my command. Never voluntarily though. But I pick and choose my fights with them. Someday, when they are out on their own in some apartment somewhere in a distant town, they will have to do their own dishes. And they will learn not to leave a dirty plate of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese in the sink for 3 days. They will then find out that they will have to get C4 and a jack hammer to get the plate clean. Live and learn my children, you will live and learn.

Mom. Dad. You don’t have to get me any presents for my birthday.
Spoiled brats. They start planning their birthdays the day after their birthday. “On my NEXT birthday I’m going get a that 32MB Smart Phone”. Yeah, right. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH……………….

I hate using the snow blower (thrower)!
Are you kidding? Pick up a shovel? They can’t get that puppy started fast enough when it snows. Boys and their toys. If my oldest had it HIS way, he’d paint flames and mount mud flaps on the wheels with the trucker girl on them.

Honey, I booked us on a cruise (or anywhere for that matter)
Ok, this is my third, OLDEST child. He’s a home body. The farthest he’ll travel is Lancaster County for Ham and Oysters or to see our friends whom we go to get Ham and Oysters with. As far as he’s concerned he did his cross country traveling before he got married or even met me. Been to there, done that I think he feels. And you know, that’s ok. I hate going places with him anyway. I’ll miss him when I’m in England. Maybe not.

We’re going to Disney!
Speaking of going places, my brother in law goes to this place twice a year and he’s almost 65! As for us, we’ve never melded with the mouse. Our kids never galvanized with Goofy, delighted for Donald, or cared to go to the wondrous amusements that good ol’ Walt offered. They wouldn’t have survived the 14 hour ride either. We asked them occasionally, and they would both look at eachother, make a face, and say no. Don’t say I didn’t offer.

Do you have any condoms dad?
Ok, I added that one in for a funny. But really, my kids would never ask such a question. We talk about farts, poop and sex in this house because we’re all mature adults (I better check that definition of “mature adults”) but I seriously doubt either of my boys would ask dad for a prophylactic.

Life On Hold…I won’t be around for awhile…maybe for an update

4:55am 6/26/10

“Hello?”

“Is this the so and so residence? Does a R J live here at this number?”

“Um, yes, and who are you?”

“This is Saint Lukes Hospital calling….”

Yes, this is the phone call every parent fears. The inevitable phone call from a police station or hospital telling you your son or daughter has been involved in a car accident. I received that call this morning.

My son rolled his F150 pickup truck at 2am. Not sure why, but the truck caught fire. Thankfully, First Response was there to pull him out and they medivaced him to the hospital. He is in stable, but critical condition. There is a brain injury and multiple contusions to it as well. His face has many broken bones and his neck has a broken bone as well. Luckily, so far there is no paralysis. It will be a long haul to healing.

As I write this, I should be showering and heading back to the hospital. But I just wanted to let people know that I won’t be blogging too much in the days to come. I may post an update here and there or if something strikes me funny, I’ll write about it.

Hug your kids. Tell them you love them. You never know……………………..