How To Drive In The Rain(or How To Annoy Your Fellow Motorist)

“Windshield wipers tapping out the tempo, keeping perfect rhythm with the song on the radio”. Driving My Life Away, Eddie Rabbit

I got an email from a friend about driving in the rain.

Most of us don’t like driving in the rain. It raises the anxiety levels a bit. With all the cars on the roads these days, it’s ok to freak out on the highway when you have a GMC Denaldi SUV 3 inches from your back bumper and the guy in front of you keeps tapping the brakes lights. For no reason. Because he’s a mamby pamby. Driving a Smart Car.

We’ve had alot of rain this summer. I’m not saying I’m an expert, but I’ve got some experience. Some of it is just plain common sense. I don’t care if you’re driving the latest Land Rover or BMW X6 with mud boggers on them, slow down! Can you say “HYDROPLANING”? The invention of a hydro car was long ago and none of the Big 3 have come up with an alternative since. For a reason. Cars don’t float well. Top Gear has proven this. If I’m already doing 55-60mph in the slow lane, which is really too fast for a slick road to begin with, DON’T come up on my ass with those stupid hologen headlamps blaring in my rearview mirror and expect me to pick up my speed by 5mph.  This isn’t the autobahn. Pass my ass. If you have a death wish, do it on your own time. Don’t get me involved in your suicide mission.

The email went on to say that most motorists will put their windshield wipers on full fast when the rain is heavy (problem is?) because visibility gets reduced.  BUT WAIT! THERE’S A SOLUTION!  Try sunglasses! And any model will do (how exciting!).  Oakley’s, Daisy Fuentes, Fossil, Ray Ban….whatever you fancy…..“all of a sudden the visibility in front of your windshield is perfectly clear as if it wasn’t raining” (that statement actually makes no sense, there is NOTHING IN FRONT of your windshield)

Are you kidding me?

No, I’m sorry, let me correct that- are you fucking kidding me?

First of all, you’re going to look EXTREMELY stupid driving in a rain storm with sunglasses on. Then again, if someone is looking at you instead of the rain soaked road, then yes, you must look totally ridiculous. Like Ray Charles. “OMG, is that a blind person driving that car?”. I find it difficult sometimes to drive with sunglasses on when the sun is SHINING.  I’m actually going to try this next time I’m in this situation. Not only to see if it works, but what looks I get. This could be someone’s sick joke to see how many suckers they can get to wear sunglasses while driving in the rain.

There is an upside to this:  We know there are morons behind the wheel during a rain storm. We can identify them now easily by the ones wearing the sunglasses! Hence,  now you can spot and keep your distance from them at all costs.

You’re heard of Rain X, right? Rain X only works if you’re doing like 55+ mph. Driving that fast on a very wet road is dangerous. BUT YOU’LL BE ABLE TO SEE CLEARLY OUT THE WINDSHIELD!  SO…you can tell the officer that the accident wasn’t caused by poor visibility, as they winch your car out of the ditch, but that you had to do 70mph in order for the Rain X to work. Um, yeah…right.

The email also went on to say to always carry sunglasses with you in the car at all times. Is this going to be a requirement of the emergency car kit someday? Along with the blanket, flashlight, first aid kit, flares, shovel, salt, jumpers, assorted tools, radio and books (hey, it can get boring if you’re stranded).  As if there isn’t enough crap in the car already. I do keep a pair of sunglasses in my car anyway. I just hope they’re in reach if a cloud burst every occurs.

Don’t drive with your cruise control on. I don’t use cruise control anyway. This could cause hydroplaning. Tell that to the guys in the Land Rovers and BMW X6s. Smart asses. The Toyota Sienna XLE Limited will not let you set the cruise control if the windshield wipers are on. Gee, what will those Japanese people think of next?

But really, just use common sense. That’s all. Drive slower (I should practice what I preach, right? Oh shut up) and just maintain a safe distance between you and the driver in front.

And don’t forget the sunglasses.

After or No, You CAN’T Go Home Again

I know you don’t give a crap, BUT….this is how my Saturday went.

After I stressed over what to wear to this……………….. Holy Communion  and calling Stacy London for her advice on what TO wear, I finally get my ass out of the house at 10:04am. Target time was 9:45. My bad. I’m usually on time.

After driving for 1 hour and 25 minutes (count them!) we FINALLY find the church in Summit. There are millions of churches in Summit. Note that! I even had directions! And we even asked someone “is this St. Teresa’s Church?” while in the parking lot that was fully packed and it turns out the poor slob soul was from out of town as well. And informs us that there’s no place to park in the parking lot (no shit Sherlock) and we’d have to park on the street. We ended up driving through the parking lot again just to get back out to the road.

Image via Wikipedia

After walking 2 blocks (ok, it was more like one block), we enter the church 1/2 hour late. It’s 11:30. Service started at 11:00. We’re not religious people, so we just v-e-r-y  q-u-i-e-t-l-y tip toed across the back of the sanctuary and watched from there. It felt good to stand actually.

After standing for about 15 minutes, they started the communal session of cute little boys and girls in their white tulle and lace dresses with veils and mini tuxedos  who looked like they were getting married. I’m desperately searching for ANY of my husband’s next of kin that even remotely looks like a B*******D. I see no one. Thank god I remembered my glasses at least. I’m still not quite convinced we’re in the right church, let alone the right pew.

After I grabbed one of the bulletins, I peruse the names of those little urchins (hardly urchins, I’m sure no one in this congregation makes less than $150K a year) getting Holy Communion and I do see my niece’s daughter’s name. Ok, I’m alittle more relieved, but still not quite satisfied. We stand a bit longer and then realizing that 5 million people are here, we decided to head out earlier to avoid any traffic jams coming out of the church and backing up the streets because remember, when people come out of church, they have right of way because they have been blessed by God.

After leaving, we get to the car and I get my handy dandy “Carmen the Garmin” out, press “Favorites”, press my niece’s house, and we’re off – the wrong way. “Carmen” should have “righted” us instead of “lefted” us. We ended up BACK at the ‘effin’ church and “Carmen” then told us to make a right. Yaaaaaay Carmen!

Image via softsailor.com

Remind me NEVER to drive to Union County EVER again! From Summit to Cranford, was nothing but massive traffic. MASSIVE I tell you! I HAVE NEVER SEEN MY HOMETOWN AREA SO CRAMMED WITH CARS! OMG, I was horrified! Thankfully I had my Sebring, so I was able to maneuver through the busy streets with ease and comfort….sort of. Since we had time to kill, we decided to check out my childhood home in Cranford. But I’m tellin’ you, it was nothing but bumper to bumper! If I didn’t know the back roads,we’d still be on North Ave!

After checking out some of my friend’s houses and FINALLY getting to MY house, and realizing, WOW, my front lawn was really small, the vertical blinds on the new front window look terrible and they put a stockade fence around the property and the new siding they put on was falling off and I was blocking the road and apologizing to the motorist (it’s not a busy road anyway), we head back to my niece’s house – OMG, I thought we would never get there. It’s normally a 10 minute ride, it took 25 minutes! Westfield to Cranford is NOT THAT FAR!

Driving through Manhattan would have been a picnic compared to this mess!

Image via townmapsusa.com

After maneuvering through the congestion and traffic, being a good motorist and allowing people to pull out of parking lots since we did our share of cutting a few yellow to red traffic lights and cutting one or two people off, we make to it to my niece’s house and wait. It’s around 1:00pm. They should be arriving soon I thought. I THOUGHT! That’s the key word – THOUGHT!

I call my husband’s brother, Chick (that’s an old nickname for Charles).

Me: Hey, where are you?
Chick: I’m at the church.
Me: Ok, I’m at Cathy’s house.
Chick: Well, the service is starting at 1:30.
Me: 1:30! Cathy told me 11:00am. I have that on my calender!
Chick: 11:00? There was a change in the time, everyone should have been notified.
Me: No, I wasn’t notified. Nope.
Chick: (in the background he’s talking to my other niece, the younger sister, who has her head on straight)
I’m sorry.
Me: Well, I’m going home Chick.
Chick: Ok, I’m really sorry!
Me: See you next weekend at (my other niece’s house who has her head on straight and I’ve already told her I’m NOT going to the church service for the Christening). Bye.

Plug good ol’ Carmen back in, and head home. THROUGH THE FUCKING TRAFFIC! Luckily, this time we were able to avoid the center of town! At least something went right.

Once I hit Rt. 78, my blood pressure went down and I enjoyed a leisurely drive home.

image via nj.com

Needless to say I was wiped out when I got home.

4 1/2 hours of shit ass driving! For what? NOTHING! I did get to see my house and the town. Oh, and I had to stop and get gas. With only a $20. But it got me home. Oh and we witnessed a rear end collision and Westfield’s finest were right on it! AWESOME!

Westfield's Finest! Image via doverarmynavy.com

The Psychology of Driving

Photo courtesy of Photobucket

When I’m in the kitchen, I listen to my under cabinet radio, which is probably the only asset this house had when we bought it.

I was listening to the local easy listening station which has 24/7 Christmas playing. But on Sunday’s they broadcast John Tesh’s syndicated radio show. It’s really not bad, he’s full of interesting trivia and “did you know” type info. Then he plays one or two songs, umpteen commercials, and then more informative wisdom of the world.

Now, being the gearhead that I am, when I hear ANYTHING remotely sounding like “care”, “driving”, “speed”, or anything related, I stop and listen. Mr. Tesh was talking about hazardous driving via Psychology Today Magazine. The more hazardous the road is the more careful you drive. Duh. Or so your brain thinks.

If you’re driving down a road that’s windy (not to be confused with windy), narrow, tree lined, you think of not wanting to careen off a curve. So you’re going to drive more carefully. You will tend to slow down. Makes sense. Psychologically, your brain doesn’t like narrow and curvy. It means “danger”. On the other hand, when you highway drive, you’re thinking it’s a straight line, and your instincts tend to tell you that you can go faster. Hell, you’re going straight, no real threat other than the jug head pulling out in front of you because he owns a $100K car and thinks he can because of it. Your instincts and alertness may seem to slacken a little, because you’re going in basically a straight line.

Doesn't look that threatening, does it - Photo courtesy of Photobucket

Are highways more hazardous than smaller roads? That’s the psychological question. Do they SEEM to be safer? I’m definitely more comfortable on a highway. My senses are in full swing when I’m doing 75mph. I’m focused, but not like on the smaller road because, well, I’m just driving – in a straight line. Not as many hazards you think. Very true. Granted the impact I will have if I crash will have permanent repercussions. I do drive a little more carefully on a smaller road, but not because it’s narrower or more windy. My biggest fear is an animal running out in front of me. If you said to me “Don’t worry, we’re removed all the potential animal hazards from this section of the road”, then I might lay on the gas a little more. I can think of at least two county roads in my area where the speed limit is 45 and no one is doing less than 50. You also have to account for daylight versus night time driving. Also the car you’re driving.

The US is highway happy, that’s for sure. And cars are definitely manufactured for speed these days. Even small and mid sized engines are packing a bunch when you hit the accelerator.

They have studies which have proven there have been less accidents on these smaller roads when certain road obstacles have been removed or added. There are even a few engineers who are intentionally making streets and roads more hazardous by adding center medians, narrowing the road, removing guard rails, and traffic lights (I can tell you, in my town, they’re ADDING stop signs to the most innate intersections, all you can think is “WHY IS THERE A STOP SIGN HERE?”) are all designed to trick the mind into thinking the road is dangerous therefore causing the driver to drive slower. It’s all a mental thing. I’m not sure it’s mind game here, making a road more dangerous, well, sounds dangerous.

So, to make highways and interstates safer, we’re to remove guard rails? Add medians between lanes? Make the lanes narrower (the Garden State Parkway is already too narrow!)? Could you imagine traffic lights on Rt. 80? Bad enough they want to add tolls! GSP is already a crap shoot when you leave the booth! I will agree drivers need to slow down. Yes, I admit I have a lead foot.

This little radio production made me think for a minute though. Next time I go driving, I’m going to be more in tuned to my driving habits, just to see what I do on certain roads in my town.

Here’s a link the radio cast.

Thoughts on Driving

I am going to tell you and I’ve said this twice before, I’m not a saint. And when it comes to driving, I’ve had my share of road rage and vengeance. But for the most part, I’m a very considerate and careful driver. It’s not hard. Common sense is the key here people.

Here’s a list of don’t and do’s for the road and some observations that I’ve observed in my 31 years of motoring:

1) If you’re lost, don’t drive 10 mph looking at every single street sign, braking every 30 feet or so. Pull over and let all the rest of us that have a clue as to where we’re going get by. Why do we have to suffer for your screw up?

2) If you’ve missed your turn, DON’T decide to just make your U-Turn in the middle of the road the minute you’ve discovered this! Panicking doesn’t help! It won’t hurt to go a couple hundred extra FEET to find an open parking lot or driveway to get back to your destination. Besides, it’s hell on your transmission.

3) Don’t you love the ones with the directional signal going off for miles?

4) I’m finding this most annoying out here…..when entering a MAJOR highway and you do have the open space to get on….ACCELERATE! Punch it if you have to! Get those 4 cylinders churning out the 95 brake horsepower to get onto the highway! The people behind you will appreciate it since they, too, have to get onto the highway.

5) Horns. Yes, I love my horn. It’s one of the best ways of letting someone know “YO, DUDE, I’m HERE!” It’s gets people’s attention! Even if you want to let them know they’re #1!

6) Why do people, who are doing 75mph on Rt. 80 put their brakes lights on? For no reason? No one is around them. Only the poor slob, mostly me, is behind them. And I’m not tailgating. If you need to slow down, just coast. Or move your hyper active ass to the slower lane.

7) This happened tonight: In the middle lane, 70 mph, cruising with the guy in front of me, no one in the left lane, the guy behind feels compelled to pass on the right. Did I transport to England or something? What was that all about? I mean, he didn’t do any harm, but it was just so random.

8 ) Toll booths. Ya gotta love them. Once you’ve paid, it’s like a day at the races. “And they’re off”….especially on the Garden State Parkway when you have a 20 booth toll and at least 12 cars leaving the booths all at the same time and all accelerating to see who can get into the three (narrow, mind you) lanes first! All you see are cars frantically switching lanes, and some poor person ends up on the shoulder for a moment because no one would let him in. Almost like “musical chairs”.

9) Of course, there’s always the road construction when they close off a lane for about 5 miles and there’s no work being done in that length of road. Meanwhile, there’s a 3 mile backup of people merging into two lanes and this one lane is just sitting there free and clear. Then up the road, there’s a sign that reads “Road work to be done on or about such and such a date”.  And not a soul around.

10) “Your Highway Taxes At Work” sign. Have you ever slowed down to read the rest of it? Are you kidding me?

11) School buses are my biggest nemesis. I could gripe about these for HOURS! I hate them. They can take a 15 minute ride and turn it into a 45 minute torture chamber. And they wonder why people get road rage.

12) I love the game drivers play with high beams. One is coming down the road with their high beams on. I have mine on as well. Who will turn their’s down first?

13) When we want the car to go faster, why do we make the motion in the driver’s seat, you know the one, you rock yourself back and forth, like it’s going to make the car go faster?

14) I’m not going to say too much about the text messaging or cell phone use. We all have seen it, roll our eyes, and just choke it up to ignorance. Did you know that you can’t use your directional signals if you have the phone in your left hand and are steering with your right?

15) Senior citizens make me nervous. That’s all I’m going to say. Ok, I’ll add this: Usually if there’s a 20 car back up behind you, there’s a Q-Tip in front.