Slacking Off with FoodNetwork

Image courtesy of Wikipedia

I had an hour and half to kill this morning so I sat my ass down in front of the tv for a change. I don’t watch tv during the day. My tv viewing usually starts at 7:00pm.

Tyler Florence was first on the menu (har har no pun intended). The boy next door. He insisted that his scallops in a puff pastry “bowl” was easy. And romantic. He told us all to make it that night. Sure, I’m right on it Ty! Are you kidding me?

Sandra Lee came up next with her sunny disposition (*GAG*) and kitchen makeover with every show(how much of the budget goes into that? What happens to it all after the shoot?). With matching outfit. There’s something phony about her. I don’t know what it is. As she threw together some hamburgers, broccoli slaw and a rot your teeth/diabetic’s nightmare Coconut and Tapioca Cake with Blueberries all made from some store bought products and some homemade, she made a “Bluetini” cocktail with blueberry and vanilla  vodka with a splash of raspberry liquor for color. In a glass that had a blue stem.  I’m sorry but at 10:30am, that really looked disgusting. I’m not into blue beverages unless it’s Kool Aid.  Even the little guest gifts she made were blue and white and contained mini bottles of the blueberry and vanilla vodka. Everything in the kitchen was blue and white, the table scape was blue and white, her dress was blue and white. Remind me not to decorate in blue and white.

And then there’s Bobby Flay. Another boy next door and his grill. Now HE made some kick ass sandwiches. I may even try some of them. Anything made with a croissant is OK with me.  There’s something sexy about him. I don’t know what it is. Give me some ideas.

Cookin’ with the Neely’s was on next. I had to pass on these two. She has too much energy for me. She’s always dancin’ around the kitchen. I can’t get that enthused about cooking.

So I switched to HGTV and Designed to Sell. Let me just say, if you’re trying to sell your house, for god’s sake, PAINT YOUR WALLS and get rid of PEELING WALL PAPER! No excuse. Common sense people! These people should have been embarrassed!  And I wouldn’t have painted the Butlers Pantry! I was cringing with disgust. This was original to the house(1920′s era) and Monica painted it….burgundy! All it needed was the wood to be rejuvenated. But she’s on the other side of the camera and I’m sitting in a lounge chair with a cat on my lap. Who’s winning here? Her. DUH!

I got my errand done and returned home for lunch. Of course I turned the tv back on because I can.

Southern Belle Paula Deen with her son Bobby were making sugar sweet, butter infused, cholesterol inducing oatmeal cookie sandwiches with chocolate syrup, marshmallow fluff and nuts. Bleh…….no amount of oatmeal was going to reduce the cholesterol count in these babies. Not even Lipitor.

Ina Garten was on afterwards. As I felt my arteries clogging, this rich little chef DOES make cooking easy. Of course, all her ingredients are fresh because when you live in the Hamptons over on Long Island in a $2million dollar home, you can afford all the fresh produce, even in the off seasons. I will say having Alec Baldwin in this episode was a treat. Not so sure I liked the cucumber soup she made. Some vegetables should remain in solid form.

Ina Garten was again presented in the next episode. But this was her “Barefoot Contessa” show. I look at her kitchen and her cookware. I’ve decided my kitchen is way too small. As a matter of fact, her kitchen is probably as big as my house. She’s making beef stew for her husband because she’s going away for the night. She also made him Coffee Espresso ice cream and orange scones for him. Wow, what a wife! My menu for my husband: Pizza, cookies and cereal. I’m such a schmuck.

So when Ina is ready to leave we see her walking out the door with her overnight bag going down the front sidewalk (I guess we were to ASS-U-ME she was going to her car, but that was no where in site). Then we see her husband, Jeffrey, go right into the freezer to the homemade ice cream. His cell phone rings and it’s Ina asking him if he liked the beef stew. She’s sitting in her car(more than likely a Lexus, Mercedes Benz or Infiniti). In the driveway. I know she is. You can tell. It was just so stupid.

America’s favorite big mouth, Rachel Ray, with HER sunny disposition(more *GAGGING*), graced us with HER version of a Cordon Bleu plate special of chicken cutlets with Mac and Cheese with Ham. Does this woman ever get depressed? She’s a tad over enthusiastic for me. I do love her kitchen design of vintage tableware, the vintage style refrigerator and that vintage oven! But I’m tired of her “EVOO” term. I want to clear my throat all the time as well.

Guy Fieri’s hair bothers me. Now I like Guy (Guy’s Big Bite). I don’t know why, he just seems really personable and socialable. Even when he has his sunglasses on backwards. And he always pulls up in a vintage Camaro in front of some diner or dive. Sweet!

Fresh ham is not beautiful. Sorry Anne (Burrell), but it just isn’t. Neither is your hair. Are you using the same hair stylist as Guy Fieri? Every time she looked at this piece of meat, she constantly told it how beautiful it was. I was starting to get uncomfortable. Should I leave you two alone?

I am sad to say Giada and her perky breasts wasn’t on. Actually, the shows I like to watch on FoodNetwork weren’t on like Good Eats, Iron Chef America and Drive Inns, Diners and Dives. Like I said, I watch tv at night mostly.

I want to know who eats all the food after the show is over. Please don’t tell me they throw it out.

Cold Bacon

After a 1 1/2 hour drive to South Jersey to look at a potential car my 19 year old was interested in, we looked at the car, made a deal and were on our way again for another 1 1/2 hour drive BACK home.

Once we were in familiar territory, we decided to stop at a restaurant we had frequented before. It had an old railroad car attached to it and it reminded us of good times in Strasburg on the Strasburg Railroad when the kids were little.

The parking lot was quite full. We walked in and waited patiently as they prepared a table for us in the railroad car which over looked Rt. 78. Granted it’s not the most pleasant view, but to a bunch of gearheads like us, it’s fun to see the POS’s and not so POS’s driving by. Occasionally, you get blessed with the passing of a Ferrari or Porsche. And a State Trooper with it’s lights flashing pulling some poor soul over because 70mph was too slow for him (it’s too slow for me I’ll tell you that much!).

After ordering our drinks and waiting for our appetizer, we couldn’t help but over hear a table of hispanics talking in spanish and quite loud. I’ve always felt that if you’re from out of the country and come to live here, speak English. At least try! And these people did know how to speak English. But weren’t. There was even a table between us and them and we could still hear their bantering. I could see the waitress was back and forth many times, refilling drinks, bringing food, taking dishes….etc. She looked exasperated!

When their main courses showed up, one woman said “The bacon is cold”. The waitress explained that the bacon isn’t suppose to be hot, it’s suppose to on the cooler side. This woman had a BLT. And all the woman kept saying was “The bacon is cold.” So, the waitress took her sandwich back. A few moments later she returned. I guess the woman accepted it.

Meanwhile, the table behind us, there was a girl about my son’s age. She complained that her chocolate milk wasn’t dark enough. Again, the waitress really didn’t know what to say. All she could say was maybe they used a different syrup this time. And that other times the milk is too dark. Really, it’s CHOCOLATE MILK!!! WTF!

The chocolate milk was fine. My son had three glasses of it!

When the waitress came to our table, she asked if we were ready to order. We told her what we wanted and I told her “No cold bacon please.” She was put aside for a moment then when she saw the smiles on our faces she was relieved that we weren’t serious. She said they never had a complaint like that before. The bacon is suppose to be cooler because it’s a BLT. A club type sandwich. They’re cold sandwiches.

I noticed a few minutes later when she returned to the table to collect MORE dishes, that BLT was half eaten. Then they ordered nachos. And more spanish was spoken. I can understand alittle, but from my distance from the table, it was hard to pick up anything. Rude.

They finally left. As did the chocolate milk critiquer.

So we just kept busting this poor waitress’ chops. But she took it well and I think enjoyed the relief that we weren’t going to harass her that the traffic on Rt. 78 was horrid and if she could do something about it.

THEN……an older couple came in and sat in the chocolate milk critiquers table. AND THEY TALKED REALLY LOUD! WE KNEW WHERE THEY CAME FROM, WHY THEY CAME FROM THERE. IN WHAT THEY CAME IN AND WHAT THE LADY’S SLEEPING HABITS WERE!

After we paid our bill, got my son a container for his leftovers, wished the waitress good luck with the rest of her night because it seemed she was having one of those days, and went to the bathroom only to find out the toilet I used didn’t flush, we left!

I’m not sure we’re going to go there anymore. My husband wasn’t to impressed with this visit this time. He says the acoustics in that place aren’t good and he has the type of hearing where he can here conversations in the next county.  Maybe on a “not so busy” day we’ll give it one more try.

And Charlie forgot his container.