Fa La La La La My Ass

Call me old fashion, but I can not stand some of the new takes on old Christmas carols and hymns. I like Bing Crosby and the Andrews Sister’s version of “Santa Claus is Comin’ To Town”. They play it in “A Christmas Story” during one of the kitchen scenes.  The Mormon Tabernacle choir’s “Silent Night” brings tears to my eyes. Stevie Nick’s version doesn’t.

I like Dean Martin and “Baby It’s Cold Outside”…..without Martina McBride singing along. Just because Natale Cole did it with her father doesn’t mean you can do a better job. Stick to country Martina. Michael Buble has a fantastic voice. He’s got a very ‘broadway’ sound. Was he in the Drama Club in high school? I bet he was. But I don’t care for his version of this song either. Rod Stewart and Dolly Parton’s take is about all I’ll tolerate as far as updating this popular classic. Dolly makes you picture the whole scenario in your head as she “talks” about needing to leave but surrenders to Rod’s advances.

Burl Ives is a Christmas icon. Funny that he was Jewish. “Holly Jolly Christmas” from Rudolph is classic! As is “Frosty The Snowman” by Jimmy Durante. I like them!

Bing Crosby “White Christmas” is epic. His whole album is.

My 24 year old also likes the older versions as well. It must be that Christmas as gotten SO commercialized that these older versions are the only elements that keep the holiday pure.

I saw a neon pink Christmas tree at Hobby Lobby in October. NEON PINK! Are you kidding me? That’s really keeping things in the Christmas spirit. I’m surprised it wasn’t aluminum.

I’ve heard SO many versions of “Let It Snow” I’ve decided I don’t like it anymore.

You can not have “Sleigh Ride” without the horses neighing at the end as in Arthur Fiedlers version. Trumpet interpretations aren’t the same.

Trans Siberian Orchestra has some awesome musicians and players. But an electric guitar in “Carol of the Bells”? Sort of kills the meaning. Bells, guitar, bells, guitar…..Mmm, no, not working.  They did do “Canon in D” wonderfully! I like Manheim Steamroller. They’ve got some alternative twists on some classics that I actually don’t mind. “Auld Lang Syne” is done beautifully.

I heard a rendition of “Silent Night” today that wasn’t very pretty. The performer hung onto a note at the end for….no joke….10 seconds. That may not seem like a long time, but for a song, it is. Butchered it, totally butchered it.

Bruce Springsteen murdered “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” with his live version.

You have every performers own Christmas and holiday song. Elton John, Paul McCartney, John Lennon, The Waitresses (love their song “Christmas Wrapping”, “I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas (seems to be a big hit in my area for reason-I can’t stand it!), Dominic the Christmas Donkey (another hit in my area-local radio station can’t seem to play it enough *gag*), and others are some what tolerable. Faith Hill has one called “A Child Changes Everything” which is very pretty. Funny, I haven’t heard it yet this year. “All I Want For Christmas Is You” is nice if it’s not sung in my face by Mariah Carey.

There are songs I don’t even hear on the radio. “I Saw Three Ships” and “Away In The Manger” are ones I only have on vinyl.

If you’re going to update, do it right.

Merry Christmas friends! Hope the season brings warmth and happiness! And no heartburn.

15 Statements I Will Never Say

Please note the change in blog name. I know, I’m sorry, but I get bored easily.

These statements will never be uttered from my lips. EVER!

“Just leave it. The maid will clean it in the morning.”

Yeah, me, that’s who. But as for a REAL maid, even the Merry ones, I don’t ever see it. I wouldn’t want someone coming in and seeing how dirty my house REEEALLY is. They’d probably want a raise or over time due to the extra effort needed.

“The Merc (Mercedes Benz) needs to be inspected.”

As much as I long to own one of these German feats of engineering brilliance, it ain’t ever happenin’.

“Holy Shit, I won the lottery.”

Like they say, you can’t win if you don’t play. I can’t see dumping money into something I have a 1 in 50,000 chance in winning. So much for the maid.

“What time do we have to be at the red carpet premier?”

Only destined for those in the entertainment arena.  Loppos, like me, will always be the ones standing behind the ropes.

“Limos here!”

This will be muttered AFTER the statement above.

“Damn, I left my Rolex on the yacht!”

I don’t even wear a watch. Or know anyone personally who even owns a yacht.  The only thing that would come close would be possibly leaving my cell phone in the canoe.

“Jeremy Clarkson’s. We’re dating. Why do you ask?”

I would LOVE to say this to some nosy ass paparazzi whoring SOB who’s taking pictures as I’m getting out of his Lamborghini and wants to know who’s car it is.

“When are we leaving on the Lear for Barbados?”

I’ve never even been on an airplane. A Lear jet? Pfffffffft…..HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…………….I can’t even make it to Florida…..I’m going to go to Barbados?

“Do you have the keys to the Villa?”

I sometimes don’t have the keys to my house. Are there even keys to Villas? And who would I be even asking?

“Oh, that’s an old injury I got when I was skiing in San Mortiz.”

The last time I went skiing was in high school.  The only injury I got was a bruised leg at Camel Back.  I don’t even know where San Moritz is *googling  now*. Oh, Switzerland…..never mind.

“He went to JAREDS!”

No he didn’t. He didn’t go to Kay, Zales or Littmans either.

“I’m going to the Oscars with George Clooney, didn’t you know that?”

Well, DUH!

“I LOVE me some brussel sprouts!”

I HATE me some brussel sprouts!

“I can’t make lunch, I have to go have one of my Vajazzles replaced.”

I will admit I’d have this done over tattooing. But not anytime soon. I’d just be as happy with the self stick shit you can get at Walmart for blinging out your cell phone. Sort of like “temporary vajazzling” if you want to call it that.

“We’re going sky diving on vacation next year.”

Again, the plane issue with me. But once I’m IN the airplane whenever that happens, I will not be EXITING the airplane while 10,000+ feet in the air. I will be the one bidding you happy air trails while I sit strapped to a seat by an 8 point harness.

Christmas Storage and Memory Loss

Each year I have a dilemma:

Where to store the Christmas presents.

It’s gotten to the point that I’m putting them in places that I can’t remember because of the lack of space in this house.

Last year I bought “The Pacific” DVD box set. It was suggested by my husband that the kids would really love to have this. Ok, who am I to argue with a bunch of WWII historians. The day I decided to go purchase said box set I had a nasty ass cold. I trudge to Barnes and Nobles with my head stuffed up and in the twilight zone. I somehow managed to make it to the video department in the back of the store (I was so stuffed up I couldn’t even smell the coffee that was brewing in the cafe) walk aimlessly around looking for the set, ask a clerk who said “Oh, it’s in the rack right behind you”, I say “No shit, really?”, turn around and with a ray of light that shone down upon said DVD box set, there it sat in it’s little spot amongst the other box sets. After purchasing said box set, I wandered over to some other part of the store where my cell phone rings and while trying to concentrate on what game to buy and talk to my friend I put some of my stuff down on a table because I was just completely exhausted. By this time my eyes are tearing and my nose is running. I finally told my friend I was about to die and that I would call her after the funeral.

SO…..after telling my car to get me home because I was totally incapable of doing it myself, I unpacked the B&N bags, wrapped everything to the best of my incoherent ability and hid everything. At least I thought I did.

Christmas Eve I find everything in it’s hiding place including the trunk of my car and put it under the tree. All is good with the world

Christmas Day everything is ducky. Then it hits me: Did anyone open the package with the DVD box set in it? I ask. The kids look at me like I’m losing it. “Mom lost a gift? That’s not right! Mom NEVER loses gifts. She’s super organized!” Now I’m racking my brain. For hours I’m harping on this. Did I leave it on that table? Did I even BUY IT??I was so out of it that day who knows. I was getting a pit in my stomach with the mere fact that I might have left it at the store and someone picked it up and took it!  I tore my closet apart, looked in drawers, under beds…nothing. Finally, at dinner a box of rocks smacks me in the head! I look up from dinner plate at my husband with this deer in the headlights look. I jump up from my chair and ran in the garage. Everyone is “wondering what the hell is wrong with her?”

I went into my car and under the driver’s seat is the box set. I remember I put it there just in case the  kids were present and I didn’t want them to ask what was in the bags. So I stuffed it under the seat to get later.

I was so relieved! All was good with the world again.

This year EVERYTHING is being crammed into my closet.  Now if I could only remember what I did with my son’s box of ornaments.

Where’s the best place that you store your goodies for Christmas?

The Week In Review-well some of it.

I seemed to have spent a great deal on the computer last week. Hence, I read alot of links and news articles. So for those of you that are running ramped this holiday season and weren’t able to catch up on the weeks mishaps and the “idiot of week”, I’m here to help.

It’s What The Internet Is For

I’m not a religious person. I wasn’t brought up religious either. I have a bible, I went to Sunday School and I even sang in the church choir (*bowing* Thank you, thank you).  I had Jewish friends and neighbors and watched as they celebrated their holiday traditions.

I guess President Obama didn’t. As he celebrated Hanukkah “early” this year at the White House, he gave the customary speech while cracking stupid jokes and trying reiterate the story of Hanukkah from his notes. FROM HIS NOTES! On a stand just to his left sat a beautiful menorah…..all ablaze with it’s 8 candles lit. Yes, ALL 8 CANDLES WERE LIT!

Someone didn’t do their homework. Whether it was an adviser or himself, someone screwed up. It doesn’t take long to go to a computer, and I’m sure there have GOT to be over 100 at the White House all powered up, and type in “Hanukkah tradition” into the Wikipedia search box. Or GOOGLE IT! What a concept! This little tid bit of information would have taken maybe 15 minutes at the most to research (maybe Michele was too busy picking out what to wear to bother getting the correct info for her husband). The story of Hanukkah isn’t hard. And you light ONE candle, ONE candle per night, not all eight in one shot! The Jewish community is bit upset to say the least.

Again, Obama comes through as the “Idiot of the Week” in my book. Oy Vey!

Know When To Say When

As any good OB/GYN knows, after the age of 35 most women are in the “grey” area for pregnancy meaning they’re at higher risks for certain birth defects and miscarriages. It’s about this time a women’s hormones start fluctuating amongst other things.

I guess Michele Duggar wasn’t told this or is so wrapped up in her religion that she thought “nothing like that could EVER  happen to me. God will decide how many children I should have”.  Well, she maybe right. After 19 kids, I would have decided that God was an inflicting masochist.

I just about cringed when I found out she was pregnant with her 20th child. Doesn’t matter that she almost lost the 19th. She wanted to have 20. She’s 45 years old mind you. Yes, there have been women who have had children at 65, but they didn’t have 19 children before hand.  She surpassed me by 10 years. My body gave out at 36.  Try as I may, a third child was not to be in my plans.

Unfortunately, and I’m not making any fun or light of this situation because I’ve been there, she lost the baby in her second trimester. At that point it’s considered a fetus and does require a death certificate. Yeah, burying a baby before it’s born is heart wrenching and mentally debilitating. I still get a little choked up at my ordeal when I think about this. The Duggar family has my sincerest condolences!

Now, what part of “maybe we should be happy with the children we have now” doesn’t she understand? You would think after the first sign of trouble with #19 that she might be reaching that “grey” (well into the RED) zone. Most women her age are in menopause. Hormones are depleting. Fertile Myrtle’s obviously aren’t. Eggs are getting old. God knows what’s going on with DNA.  I have a feeling we will be hearing that by next April she’s pregnant again. Some people never give up.

What We Do For Money To Pay Our Court Fees And Attorneys

We all know that Lindsay Lohan’s train finally wrecked. They’re still cleaning up the mess in court. I can’t imagine the fees that have accrued! Not to say that her reputation has gone down the proverbial toilet, on contrary.

To help pay for these costs (and I’m sure to boost her moral and get her back into the limelight), she agreed to pose for Playboy.  Hell, you give me the right dollar amount and I’m SO there! This week the photos were leaked and they’re not too shabby (alittle airbrushing goes a long way)!  Now if I showed  you these without telling you they were Lindsay Lohan, would you have guessed they were her? You probably would have said “Who’s that? It looks like Marilyn Monroe.”. I’m wondering if they did that on purpose. We all know she’s bisexual and doesn’t mind flashing some boob now and then. Why try to protect her imagine?  Disney will never use her again. She could be the next Jenna Jamison! “Lindsay Does LA”. Has a nice ring to it.

What Tangle Webs We Weave

Penn State is NOT doing well in the reputation department these days. I’m not a political person and don’t really understand alot of what’s going on with this Penn State coach Jerry Sandusky. But I did find out that the govern of the state I live in had received $25,000 from state board members of Sandusky’s charity “The Second Mile” ( a charity for under privileged boys). Tom Corbett, govern of PA,  received  thousand of dollars in addition to the $25K from regional board members of this charity as well.  Many believe this was “hush” money.

Also heard, but not confirmed, that Penn State has told retailers that no more merchandise bearing Penn State’s logo or name will be resupplied. They are to sell what they have and that will be it. All I can say is if I had any Penn State shit on my car it would be ripped off in a heartbeat!

Oh! Can you say “COLLECTOR ITEMS”!

God I love living here in PA.

On A Lighter Note

I nearly fell off my chair when my son showed me this video. No animals were harmed in the making of this either. But this video has over 3 million views in just 4 weeks! It takes place in Richmond Park in London, England. I still belly laugh when I see it!

Fenton The Dog

Just a disclaimer here. These are my views and my views alone. If you want the complete story or more info, google the subject at hand. I left links in each story. Thanks for reading!

Letter to Santa Not Working? Try a Letter to the Universe

My son introduced me to a really cool app for my iPod.  You can get radio stations from around the world!! Isn’t that neat? Now being the wanna be Brit that I am I naturally went straight to the BBC in London. I found BBC Radio 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5. There are other BBC stations in different parts of England, but I was interested in BBC Radio 1 and 2. Mostly what they call “Adult Contemporary”.

ANYWAY…..I was listening to BBC Radio 1 this morning (it was lunch time in their parts) and the DJ talked about someone who wrote a letter to the universe.  Not to EVERYONE in the universe, thee UNIVERSE! You know, planets, stars, moons, galaxies. And several people called in saying they had done this and their wish had come true. Write a letter stating what you would like and store it away in your drawer. Some put their letters in their freezer. I guess wishes keep longer.

Has anyone ever heard of this?

I thought how bizarre. Wouldn’t it be like wishing upon a star? Except you get better results when the request is in writing.  Anything bearing a signature usually is more legit.

Since I have nothing else better to do I decided to try my luck with this. To hell with writing Santa, let’s try this instead:

Dear Cosmos (this is the correct salutation from what I heard from one listener),

How are you?

How’s the weather up there? Is it still really cold? Oxygen at a premium still?

I was wondering, while your granting wishes for earthlings, you wouldn’t mind dropping about 2 mil on my back patio, would you?

If that’s really too extreme, how about a plane ticket to the UK?

Lunch with Jeremy Clarkson? He might actually enjoy some humorous conversation these days amongst the recent slamming tabloid remarks that are being made towards him.

No can do?

Mercedes Benz SLK 280? Sweet little two seater with an attitude!

A reputable mechanic to put my Corvette back together since the yahoo who owned it before us ripped it apart because the heat was too unbearable in Oklahoma so he tried to insulate it?

If any of the above seems too radical, then maybe you could fulfill the following:

A new bathroom? Ok, more like a new shower insert, I can handle the rest.

Ship me BACK to New Jersey?

A new dinning room table or sofa?

If this all seems a little narcissistic, I’ll be more in the Christmas spirit.

How about taking about 200 lbs off the letter carrier that brings me my mail? Or at least tell him Slim Jims and Diet Snapple are not the Weight Watchers diet.

Make the guy next door about 8 inches taller so he doesn’t feel he has to prove himself  or to us that he’s fucking awesome all the time and that my husband isn’t.

Giving my township some proper tarmac so they can repave the main drag with the correct materials as so we’re not all driving on what seems like the moon surface (you know what THAT’S like, right?).

Plop a couple thousand dollars on the door step of the ambulance squad. This way it’ll free up the volunteers so they won’t have to call me for a donation. It will also save a couple hundred trees. Though, the post office might suffer alittle.

Give all telemarketers new jobs. The “Do Not Call” list is failing….epically!

Give cyclists their own road or path to ride on. I really hate seeing grown men in Spandex with their skinny little asses in air.

Bring world peace. That might be a dubious task.

Do what you can. I’ll appreciate any effort you provide.

Have a good one!

Reener Beener.

This is then suppose to be tucked away in a drawer (or a freezer).  And I guess we wait. One listener said she always wanted a dog. She wrote a letter to the universe and within a couple days or weeks she got a dog.

I guess asking for a Mercedes Benz is stretching it alittle? I mean it’s like a dog, I still have to “feed” it, and it has to be taken for “walks”. And I’ll have NO problem playing with it! It will even have it’s own place to sleep!

Let me know if you ever heard of this writing to the universe.

Added: Anyone interested in my son’s blog “Pretty Fly For A Blind Guy”   just to let you know he updated some of his pages like “Cars and Sweet Trucks”, new t shirt and added two more videos that he likes to his list.

Mall Madness

I don’t like this time of year.  But that was a blog rant from last year. We’ve moved on.

I mentioned in that blog rant the malls. I usually only go visit the mall once a year. It is nice to see the decorations and the sky high artificial pine with it’s enormous ornaments hanging from it. This year they placed Santa right smack dab in the middle of the walkway.  And what an elaborate house he has now.  All the piped in music.

All the hustle and bustle.

Ya think?

Is it me or do people walk slower during the Christmas season? I do know it brings out the AD&D in everyone.

I made TWO trips to the Lehigh Valley mall already. All within a one month period! Go me. *sigh*

I’m a “get in-get out” person. The more I linger and browse, the more money I end up spending. If I don’t see that very pretty sweater outfit in New York Co., the better off I am. Lingering is what got me a new kayak and friends at Target this past summer.

Ok, so it must be me.

Note to those that linger or merrily stroll along -  at a snail’s pace: Please be aware of the “get in-get out” people around you.

Do not walk so slow down the middle of the alleyway that you cause a que behind you. Stay to one side or the other. It’s not as easy as you think to pass. There are other people in the mall. You can enjoy that Auntie Anne’s pretzel on the far left of the alleyway.

If you have one or more people with you, DO NOT spread yourself  across the entire alleyway.  I know you don’t care, but you haven’t met me yet. Don’t give me that look like I’m in YOUR way! Move your asses over!

Have SOME sort of idea or notion as to where you are going. Stopping dead in the middle of the alleyway suddenly in front of someone (yeah, me for instance) and checking out a window display or checking your purse causes bumps and snod remarks. Your not donning brake lights. No, this isn’t the highway where we get an idea you’re coming to a grinding halt when your tail lights come on. We can’t read your mind.

If you’re going to stop in front of me then make a sudden left, DO NOT change your mind, then jolt suddenly to the right in front of me AGAIN! This also goes for the person who is with you. With you changing your mind and your mate is going in circles, expect a sarcastic “EXCUSE ME” as I peel between the two of you!

Leash your child please. The mall isn’t a playground. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve almost tripped over a 2 year old who’s mom thought it was cute to watch him push his umbrella stroller around a busy mall. Go to the park. He can practice there.

If you are in front of me or heading for the doors, GO! Don’t stop, step aside, stand there, THEN OPEN THE DOOR. I have NO idea what the hell you are doing. Are you going out? Are you waiting for someone? Are you lost? Did you’re ADD kick in? Some guy did this today. He was walking ahead of us, stopped, stood there a minute, opened the door and  then stepped aside. He basically was in the way. After I grabbed the door, I said my derogatory “EXCUSE ME” and walked outside. He proceeded to say to my son (he didn’t know he was with me) “It’s so hard to find nice people these days”. My son just sort of agreed with him “Yeah, really man, I know.” and kept walking with me. I just looked at him as this guy kept sipping on his chocolate shake and carrying his Cinnabon bag.  After he realized the guy he was talking to while slamming me was my son, he got real quiet. Idiot.

I have to make one more trip to this god forsaken place before the 14th. I’m going to try to make it right as the mall opens as so I don’t have to conquer the parking lot or people. I just don’t have the patience anymore.