Let Your Fingers Do The Typing (Walking is so passe)

I just received my third phonebook today or “Yellowbook” as it is called.No white pages, just businesses. Does anyone use these books anymore?  I haven’t look at one of these in ions, however long that is…which is a really long time I guess.

So while eating some vanilla yogurt with the states best pecan granola on it (yes, PA has a place that makes the best granola-hurray, it’s made in the USA!! But I bet the package is made in China-Booooo) I decided to peruse it. You can find just about ANYTHING in the phone book. Need an Acutuary? Yep, there’s one in the area. Booya! Lots of auto related stuff because that’s all anyone knows how to do out here, that and make pizza. Need a Background Check? Want someone to follow your husband/wife? – check Investigation and Investigation Services. Gotcha! Neighbor won’t watch your house while you’re on vacation because  you won’t let them have  a massive party in your pool like last time? Call Adam Home Checkers! He’s da man!

There are 95 pages of lawyers. No reason you should have to go jail for flippin’ off that dude in the Humvee because  he went all General Patton on  you and cut your ass off. Then getting out and taking a tire wrench to his headlights.

So, hubby said he was at a friend’s house last night watching the hockey game. Hmmm, having seconds thoughts on that one? Call Frelwald Polygraph Services. You’ll get the truth in no time!! If the results were less than positive, call Austin Powder Company and they can supply you with explosives to blow up the house!

And of course the millions of pages of restaurants. You should never go hungry. There’s even Talent Agencies in my area! I can be a star if I want!!

So I decided to get silly. Yes, there are 9 listings for Escort Services. One is a toll free number for “Free Wild Playmates” OOOOOOOH FUN! I wonder how many of the local Congressman utilize one of those services!?? But no Adult Book Stores. That’s funny, I can think of at least three locations!

Wiping cloths-when you run out of paper towels or rags. Yeah, ok.

Yogurt? Why on earth would you want to look up yogurt?

The last listing in the book is “Zoos”  but my name wasn’t in it. Someone must have forgotten to submit it.

Now keep in mind I have two more of these things.

They look identical, don’t they? THAT’S BECAUSE THEY ARE! BUT…one is smaller than the other.WTF? What makes you think I need two of these!? Plus another one!

Sorry people, but I use the internet for everything. How many trees could be saved!? Unfortunately, it’ll mean that a of couple people will be out of work. They won’t be able to drive down the wrong side of road, throwing these things down my driveway so my husband can run it over when he comes home from work. Or having it lay in someone’s driveway who never will pick the damn thing up and it’ll lay out there for a couple months before Mother Nature reclaims it.

They used to be used to boost a short person up at the dinner table. It made for great jokes like “Oh, he’ll need the Yellowpages just to see into her belly button!”. Or “Here’s the Yellowpages in case you run out of TP!”. Har Har….I guess if we get rid of this book, there won’t be any more of this jocularity. Pffft, what ashame.

I’ll just Google it, thank you.

Romance Novels: Soft Porn At It’s Best

I’ve been talking with a friend about books and we got on the subject of  romance novels.

I’m not one for reading to begin with.  So I have no interest in them. But they are one of the most popular types of books that are being bought these days, especially in the ebooks department.

I went on vacation one year with a family we were really good friends with (well, I THOUGHT we were – long story). Our kids got along well, were in the same classes, played sports together, slept over….the whole bit. My friend, their mother, was smart, very studious, sort of a geeky nerd,  college grad in German (?), President of the PTA, kind of a take control kind of person, involved in other town activities, great public speaker, and a little straight laced. She did let her hair down occasionally. Her husband was a physical education teacher at a local high school, coach for rec. football, baseball, basketball, tee ball, etc.

But my husband and I NEVER saw them ever show any public affection for eachother. Not even holding hands.

So here we were on vacation in the Outer Banks, North Carolina. Ya know what she did for two weeks? Read ALL the romance novels that were in the rental house. There were about 7 of them. In the house or on the beach, she had her nose in one of these books.  She loved them! You know the ones. On the cover there’s a woman with voluptuous breasts pouring out of the semi unbuttoned  nightgown with a Fabio looking male with 6 pack abs nibbling on her neck seducing her. You can almost hear the moaning. Or the woman is wearing a gown with a tight fitting corset, again with the breasts pushed up, head thrown back in ecstasy and the 6  pack abs male is in a ripped tshirt and bulging muscles is standing behind her running his hand down the one side of her body.

My husband and I could only guess what went on in the upstairs bedroom while we were downstairs with the kids.

I’ve read excerpts from these books and wow, TMI in some cases. What I think is funny is that it’s cool or acceptable to read this stuff, but once you view porn, and I’m not talking the real hard core stuff, you’re considered a skank.

“Oh, I read that romance novel, it was steamy! But you’ll never catch me watching porn on the computer!!”.

What are your views? Do you read these romance novels? Why? What’s the attraction? What do or don’t you like about them? What kind of character attracts you? It’s ok, I’m not going to judge. It’s all in the name of research. If you do  like them, kudos to you! We all have interests in different reading material. It’s like soap operas, I don’t watch them, but there are women who schedule their day around them! And that’s fine!

My friend had this question to ask all of you:

“when’s the last time a man said to them(you women), “come on, I want to take you shopping for a nice dress and shoes, and stick you in the spa for an afternoon. Then I’m going to take you for a candlelight dinner, some dancing and….whatever trouble we can think of…” and it wasn’t a birthday or special event?”

And vampires? What’s the forbidden lust for vampires???

Let me know your views.

Dad’s Jeep Wagoneer

Image courtesy of bringtrailer.com. Dad's looked like this but was drab beige.

We weren’t a stationwagon family. While everyone else had the big Plymouth or Buick or even Chevrolet wagons, dad had “The Wagoneer”.  EVERY WEEKEND…yes, every single one of them, we would pack this thing up and head to the lake house in the Poconos. My father would make a space for my brother and I to play in the back (yes, you could do that in those days, car seats were optional, no, they were none existant) or make a little sleep area because hyper active little shit me would eventually conk out and my brother refused to give up the bench seat. So with two kids and a cat and a load and half of supply’s for the weekend we would head off into the wild blue yonder.

We owned an SUV before SUV was cool.

I hated this car/truck whatever it was or whatever you want to call it. First, the ride was unbelievably hard. If you ran over an ant, you’d feel it. It wasn’t even 4 wheel drive! It was just clunky all over. I do believe it was a 3 speed on the column. I always sat in the back, jumping around. I was the only hell my father ever raised.

But mostly why I hated this vehicle? The smell! It would literally GAG me, yes, the reflex would kick right in, and I’d almost lose my cookies when I got in it.  Was it the seats? The rugs?  What did they make them out of in those days? Formaldehyde? Whatever they made that vinyl out of what just ghastly!   And complain I did. Constantly. Dad didn’t smell it. “Oh, go on…it doesn’t smell!”. OMG, yes it did! Just thinking about it gives me the shivers. It wouldn’t have been so bad if it had a cigar or cigarette smoke order. I think dad bought it new, so if that’s what a new car smell was like, I would have just as well passed and rode a bike everywhere.

Here’s a YouTube video of a 1973 Jeep commercial. It looks different than my dad’s but what I want you to see is about 1 minute into the commercial. Check out the mom with the baby! I couldn’t believe it! You don’t have to watch the whole thing, I mean it even bored me.

 

(Update: If anyone remembers my post “Mi Casa es Su Casa” and the robin’s nest story, I’m sorry to say that crows came and stole her eggs. I was pretty miffed)

Gold Sticker Shock

I know this is nothing new. I’ve seen them around for as long as I can remember. I recall the day that it really sunk in. I was preparing goody bags for a car show about 8 years ago for my son’s high school football Booster Club. I ordered stuff from a party supply outlet (the name of the company is quite international, but it didn’t really sink in until then)and that’s when it hit me: “Who sticks all those gold oval labels on these things?”

These labels:

It's a gold sticker invasion!

I was removing them, all 144 of them. And these were the little tiny ones, not the larger ones like in the picture. I had also ordered a gross of American Flag pins…..I wish I had one to show you….and you know what was printed on the flag itself, right on the center red stripe, EACH-AND-EVERY-SINGLE-ONE-OF-THEM??? “MADE IN CHINA“. I couldn’t remove it. That was printed on with black ink! Are you kidding me? What sick Chinese moron thought that was funny? “Let put made in china on front of flag so they know who made it. Ha ha ha.”. No douche. It wasn’t funny. Nice job at trying to make the US look like idiots (though these days it hasn’t been hard).

I handed out the stupid pins anyway in the bags and threw out the 144 gold tickers that I  painstakingly peeled off the other items with much pleasure.

Ever since then, that’s all I’ve been seeing-those stupid gold stickers. And I’m sick of it!  When I see them,  I peel them off and throw them out. It’s an obsession!

It used to be this:

This little fella was made in the land of the rising sun many moons ago!

“Made in Japan”. EVERYTHING was made in Japan in the 60′s and 70′s. Some of it is highly collectible now.

But today it’s all these in it’s various forms:

Ah, can't peel this puppy off!

Could remove it but then again if you used it for food purposes who would you sue if you got sick?

Even Partylite isn't made in the homeland.

OOOH! A RED sticker!

This is a picture frame in the shape of a cat. Sort of loses it's appeal.

Everything was just squeaky clean until "MADE IN CHINA" was read.

I do think the gold looks lovely against the black velvet. Don't mind the dust, thank you.

My Sonoma top that I’m wearing was made in Phillipines

Capri Jeans-Mexico

Bra-Indonesia

Undies-Made in Honduras. HONDURAS of all places!

I’m a walking import store.

Is anything made in Guam? I have plenty of things “Made in England”. How about ” Made in Slovakia”? You never see anything exported from Slovakia. Romania? They can export gypsies. You know it’s good shit when it’s “Made in Germany”. Take the Mercedes Benz.

When in Lancaster, PA don’t let all that Amish decor and “handmade” tchotchkes fool ya. 95% of that stuff is made in China! Check it. It is! I was majorly disappointed when I found that out in my favorite Amish furniture store when I noticed that most of the cute little wooden items, figurines, nicely sanded shelves and quilted placemats had little gold stickers on them. My reaction was “WTF!”. I hung my head. It was a sad day. The Amish have turned to the dark side!

I like when I see stuff made in Chattanooga, TN. Or even Detroit, MI. I wonder what foreigners think when they see something “Made in USA”? Oh, if you do see “Made in USA”, make sure you keep it. It’s probably a collectors item. Not too many of those around these days. I bet it would sell great on Ebay!

The Garage Sale Goddess Has Spoken

Now that I’ve spouted about how to act at a garage sale, I feel it’s time to point out some of the do’s and do not’s of HAVING a garage sale.

Like many of you I’ve been to a gazillion garage/yard sales. And some have been better than others. And for a reason. Not because they had awesome junk stuff, because of the way it was set up and/or priced. Those two things can make or break a good garage sale. There are other factors that can cause a garage sale to be successful or fail miserably. I’ll try to touch on as much as I can. *sigh* Here we go…..

When you decide that you want to have a garage sale, act on it. Start making a collection of crap items. When you see an item you no longer want, grab it and put it in a spot or a box. Just keep adding to it. This way it’s not still sitting in a closet or on a shelf. When you remove the item, there’s an open space! SEE? You’ve started purging and already you have gotten results.

When  you feel you’ve amassed enough stuff, decide on a date. A one or two day or even three day sale is your decision. I’ve done three day sales and almost lost my mind. But it’s up to you.  If  you’ve already lost your mind, then this shouldn’t be a problem.

I would say two weeks before the sale for those who aren’t highly motivated, start pricing your goodies. Do this now, because A)pricing shit the day of or day before is stressful. Nothing hampers a sale than pricing the day of and B) it’s one less thing to worry about. I know I want to see prices on items. I HATE asking “How much is this?” and I’m not alone. And the only advice I can tell you about HOW MUCH to price is  ask yourself “how much would I pay for this at a sale?”. This is a garage sale, not a thrift shop or antique store or flea market. You want to get rid of stuff. And maybe make a little money. Keep in mind: YOU WILL NOT GET DOLLAR VALUE FOR ANY ITEM! If you’re selling a Roseville vase, no, you’re not going to get $150 for it. Even if a collector comes around, they will NOT pay $150 for that vase. So don’t bother putting it out or keep it real and take the hit. Or better yet, sell it on Ebay. Lots of people flip items, like collectibles, so they want BOTTOM  price. Also, if you have items that can’t be hauled out, make a small sign indicating you have your husband’s flat screen tv for sale. Or golf clubs. Or him.

Make sure you have tables and lots of them. Tablecloths are nice too, but not necessary. We all can’t be Martha Stewart.

Signage: VERY IMPORTANT! Not only put an ad in the paper (PLEASE make sure you have your address and time and date in that ad-I’ve seen ads without an address-really!) but make signs and put them around the area. Not just one at the end of the street, go for it! ALL OVER! It does pay off! And make sure you have BIG DARK LARGE ARROWS!! Don’t just put your address. We come from all over the county. We don’t know your area that well. And make the arrows HUGE! I can’t read without my glasses and I don’t always wear them when I’m driving because, well, I don’t. And I can’t read a sign doing 40 mph. No one can. And NO, WE’RE NOT SLOWING DOWN TO READ THEM! I’m not going to risk a car accident for a garage sale. I’ve seen 8 1/2 X 11 sheets of copy paper as garage sale signs. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Ain’t gonna work people! Go to the dollar store and get for a dollar a sheet, POSTER BOARD! Cut it in half. And if you’re like me, you keep them for the NEXT sale you have. I’ve used signs 3 times over. Just take them down carefully. And I just change the date. I’m cheap that way. And get a nice big fat SHARPIE marker. Joey’s Crayola’s don’t cut it.

(remember to take them down AFTER the sale is completely over-there is STILL a sign on a pole from two weeks ago in my area-makes the neighborhood look trashy and you like an idiot)

Make sure when you’re hanging signs, that it’s legal. And you’re not blocking the road way for people to look up or down the road. Nothing’s more annoying than being at a stop sign and a garage sale sign is blocking your vision. Use duct tape or staple gun depending on what you’re hanging the sign onto.

Speaking of hanging signs, you should see this one telephone pole at the end of my street…..there has got to be about 100 billion staples in it…..heeheehee…..I know the town isn’t happy about it. Shoot us.

If you’re having a GARAGE sale, setting up is easy. Back the car out (if you have a garage with a TON of shit in it, this would be an opportune time to clean it out and sell some of it while you’re setting up) and start putting tables up. The beauty of having it in the garage is that you can set it all up, then shut the doors. You get to sleep in later, too.

Now, we’re always at the mercy of the weather when it comes to garage/yard sales. Mother Nature has priorities and if it’s to water the greens of the earth that day, she will do it. And if you’re like me and really anal about getting your car wet (I have a convertible that has leaking issues on one side) a sale in the garage ain’t happenin’. So postpone it. I’m not one for setting up tents.

If the weather is going to cooperate, great. It does make for more work the day of. You now have to get up earlier. Set your tables up (with or without the Martha Stewart look) and start unloading boxes. And you will need to do this, depending on how much stuff you have, at least 1 1/2 hours BEFORE you open.

Prepare for the early birds, whether you want them or not, they’ll appear. They obviously haven’t read my last post.

When unloading your boxes, make sure you display things nicely. Don’t just put things on the table and go. I’m not saying it has to look like a boutique, but put larger things in the back, smaller up front, and try not to layer or put things on top of one another. If you run out of room on tables (either you didn’t have enough tables or you have a crap load of stuff!) get a huge blanket or tarp or drop cloth and put them on there. I’ve over turned big boxes as tables and brought out my picnic table benches. As things sell, you can move that stuff onto the tables.

Make sure you have enough change and bills. I’ve had someone buy a .50 item and hand me a $20 at the very start of the sale. Yeah, the scramble for $19.50 was amazing. Lesson learned on my part. I wouldn’t do more than $35 in bills and coinage.

DO NOT HESITATE TO TELL PEOPLE TO COME BACK LATER IF YOU’RE STILL SETTING UP AND IT’S NOT TIME TO OPEN. I’ve done it. It’s rude to show up early. If they can’t come back, too bad. I’m sorry, but we can’t accommodate everyone. Like I mentioned in my last post, it’s hard to keep an eye on people when you’re setting up. If you have someone selling with you, then maybe you can get away with it. It’s usually just me, so I send them away. Unless, you’re totally set up BEFORE the opening time, then fine.

You’re going to get haggled. People will try to  talk you down on the most inane things! I over heard two women to eachother say that “this is a garage sale, you price pocketbooks at $1″. Who the hell were they? The Price Police? My friend had new, hardly used, and excellent condition purses for sale for $3-$5. She made $200. These two women tried to haggle my friend down. But lost. If you believe your item is priced right, hold firm. Always keep in mind a price you won’t go lower than. If something is priced at $4, accept $3, don’t go lower than $2 if necessary. And don’t lower prices at the beginning of  your sale. Maybe a quarter or so, but not on your bigger items. It’s ok to say “No”. Or “That’s the lowest I’ll go”. Avid garage sale goers are ready for it. You’re not hurting anyone’s feelings.

Of course, there are other factors involved in having a garage sale. Your locale, the type of stuff your selling, time of year, etc. But I think these are the basics. I will admit, I’ve done  horribly at a sale. it’s a hit or miss venture. But when you’re all done, getting rid of some things is a great feeling. I’ve ended up hauling 85% or so of my stuff to the local thrift shop (they only allow about 2 or 3 boxes per visit-it took me a week-that’s how much stuff I had). And see if you’re thrift shop will give you a tax receipt! And you’ll always come away with a story about someone or something that happened.

Good luck at your next sale!

Garage Sale Etiquette

If you have a chance, go read my friend Bernie’s latest blog post “No, I Don’t Want Your Skanky Jeans”. What people do at garage sales amazes me. It’s like a free-for-all. Morals? What morals? They’re a step away from just plain looting.

I’ve had my share of garage sales. Hell, I even have a t-shirt that says “Garage Sale Goddess” on it. So I would like to think

I AM the GODDESS.

I have a pretty good handle of how to set up, transact, and execute a sale.

I won’t go into the do’s and don’ts of setting up. That’s a post for another time. What I want to address is the do’s and don’t on how to ACT when going to a garage sale. For the love of Pete, have some morals and courtesy, no matter WHO or WHERE you are. It’s hard work running a garage sale. Have some manners. Have some couth. Have some garage sale etiquette.

Setting up a garage sale is hard work, especially if it’s NOT in your garage. Now it’s more of a YARD sale. You’re not only at the mercy of the Mother Nature, but at the locals. You spend time folding any clothing or hanging it, arranging items on the table with the best viewing advantage possible, usually an hour or so BEFORE the sale. For some, it can take weeks preparing. Setting up can take a couple days.

DO’S AND DON’TS

Do arrive at the time specified in the ad or on the signs (if there is a sign at all-that’s for another post) if there is a time stated.  There’s a time for a reason.  Give the owner a chance to get their act together especially if they have young children. NOTHING is more irritating when you’re getting the last minute stuff out and someone is hovering over you watching you take things out of a box and onto the table. And then asking questions: “What would you take for this?”, “Do you have any other antiques?”, “How late will you be open?”, “Are you having this tomorrow?”, “Can you hold this for me?”.  It’s rude! PLAIN RUDE! If you’re going to do that at least volunteer to help them take the stuff out of the boxes and display it on the table. I’ve done it. And they’ve been more than appreciative. And it wasn’t because I arrived early. Some people just open up shop at the specified time and start unloading. You can’t watch everyone either when you’re trying to unpack. Moms have eyes in the back of their heads, but at 7am, they’re usually closed and still in sleep mode. This is where some stealing happens. So….be patient. NO EARLY BIRDS MEANS NO EARLY BIRDS! So, don’t be a bird or rapture as in “vulture”. There are some sales where the owner won’t mind people coming before hand. Hey, you lucked out!

If you’re looking at clothes, and there happens to be an area open on the table, put the ones you’re not interested in aside in that pile, REFOLDED! Or at least, go BACK and REFOLD THEM when you’re done. Don’t rifle through just tossing them aside and abandoning them. It took time washing, drying and folding all that. You know who you are people. No excuses. Ask the owner for a bag to put your chosen items in so no one accidentally takes your picks. In other words, leave the area the way your found it! Same with shoes. Put the pair BACK TOGETHER.

We all like a bargain. And we’re all not on “The Price is Right”. I myself don’t know the value of everything. So I put what I think it’s worth. I also have a mental note on how low I will go on an item that I’m not sure of.  When you see an item that you feel is too high, POLITELY state your offer. If they say, NO (no matter how sharp and stern it may be-hold your temper), ask them what is the lowest they’ll go. You have three options here now. A) accept the new price they offer depending on how bad you want it  B) meet them half way between your bid and their insistent asking amount or C) walk away and say “Ok, thanks anyway” with a smile. Let them grumble about trying to low ball. There are just some really grouchy people out there. After all they know it all, right?

This next one is a tough one. I have a meandering driveway. It’s not REAL long, but it’s about 50-60 feet from the road. I have no curbs or sidewalks. I don’t mind people parking on the lawn along the road. You do have to get out of the roadway. But the ones that come right down the driveway and park. I have a problem with that. Unless you are elderly or have health issues, don’t come down. I don’t care if you have half the nursery school in  your car, don’t do it. Bring the kids with you because they’re going to get out of the car no matter where you park, so don’t bother thinking you’ll keep the kids in the car while you shop. It doesn’t work.

On that note, KEEP YOUR KIDS AT BAY! Leash them if you have to. Teach them “NO DON’T TOUCH!!” This is not Romper Room or Sesame Street for those who don’t know what Romper Room is. This isn’t the play ground or Toys-R-Us either. And I’m out of that era, so I don’t have any toys. Also, I AM NOT THE ENTERTAINMENT DIRECTOR! I’m running a sale, I want to keep my eye on you because I’ve seen it while the owner is talking cute with their kids and mommy and usually the grandmother taking your stuff! Maybe they’ll buy one or two items, but they’ve just stashed about $10 worth of stuff into their over sized handbag! KEEP THE KIDS HOME OR KEEP THEM BY YOUR SIDE! If you’re with someone, have them hang out with the kids til your done and switch. I’ve done that with my friend. We’ve taken turns. And that was with just two kids. It’s just too stressful either way having kids around in a garage sale that are on the active side.

On the nickle/dime issue. Again, we all love a bargain, a great deal. But when something is priced at .50, don’t offer a .10. C’mon! Really now! I had a woman once jew me down on .25 cent items! “Would you take a nickle? How about a dime?”. Granted she bought a load of stuff, but after awhile I finally told her no. Big dollar items I had no problem haggling. I love a good haggle if it’s done sincerely. And with reason. Not because you want to “screw” me. I may be stupid, but I’m not dumb.

The very first thing you need to do BEFORE you even sit your ass in your car is PEE BEFORE YOU LEAVE! This isn’t Del Taco or Burger King. I don’t have a public bathroom. If you’re the type that likes your coffee with you in your car and you know you’re going to have to pee 1/2 hour after drinking it, make sure you’re within a couple miles of any fast food venue. Or hold it.  Asking to use someone’s facilities is asking for a legal nightmare. Either party can be accused of MANY MANY instances. I have very cautiously allowed a couple people to use my bathroom, but I REALLY hated it. I have turned people away. I’m sorry, I don’t need the legalities.

I’ll save my “Having a Garage Sale Etiquette” post for another time. That’s a whole other ball game!