Zombies-WTF?

I’m a Baby Boomer. The tale end of an era where the population went *ker-bang* and urban sprawl ignited a chain of fast and furious cookie cutter developments and housing.

Growing up in the 60′s and 70′s was pretty cool. Bell bottoms jeans, Flower Power, smock tops, floppy hats, fringed jackets, Skip It, Yo Yos, Barbie (before she was BA – Bad Ass), Shake-A-Puddin, Pet Rocks, Mood Rings, and The Monkees. I would mention of course, The Beatles, but I’m really saturated with them. Bleh, like stale Cocoa Krispies.

It was a simpler time. Changing time. Moving out of the “Golly Gee Wiz” of Leave It To Beaver to “Wow, man, far out” of Cheech and Chong to “Totally Rad” of the 80′s. The only horrors that annoyed me were school, thunder storms and “Dark Shadows”. I hated that soap opera. Yet it was the number one soap of that era. It was just creepy. I never cared for the soap operas. I could create my own drama. Didn’t need to see someone else’s. I had my friend’s ordeals. Those were soap’s in themselves.

I never watched “Dark Shadows” to be honest. But the name was enough to detour me from tuning in. “Night of the Living Dead” -are you kidding me(though I have FELT like that at times)? “Friday the Thirteenth”? Nope. “Nightmare on Elm Street”. Bits and pieces, the thought of dieing violently in my sleep is something I try not to think about. “I Know What You Did Last Summer”. That’s just not right cause shit like that happens in real life! And I will NEVER watch “Saw”. Cutting my finger hurts enough, can’t imagine trying to remove a limb.

Now I’m not quite sure when it all started. Probably because it was just disgusting I never took note. “Thriller” video was just the beginning I believe. I’m not a Michael Jackson fan AT ALL, but it was a great video with DANCING ZOMBIES. Ok, I understand why, the title is “Thriller”. It has to have ghoulish undertones.

But I don’t understand the whole Zombie culture. What is this fascination about? There are 77 pages of  zombieisms on Google.  There’s the “Zombie Survival Guide” for god’s sake! I know a couple that are alittle on the punk and goth side that love this. Emo’s I can understand because it’s all about death and despair and the apocalypse. But what is so cool about it?

Here we have a partially decaying person, in their funeral best, coming out of the dirt, rising up and walking around, arms outstretched, walking stiff legged because the Rigor-mortis has set in and pacing the earth because they are hungry. Geez, I think I just described my son, minus the decaying part. They live on eating human flesh, preferably living flesh (my son likes Taco Bell). And they want you’re brains. They’re all bloody, skin peeling away to exposed bone, their face’s void of any expression. And they moan. And not in a good way.  I mean, do people think this is the fate of the planet for real?

Ain't she purdy! I will admit to feeling like that after a night of partying. Except my teeth don't bleed. Thank you Wikipedia for this lovely image.

You won’t see me as a zombie. I’m being cremated. Sorry guys, this person won’t be wondering the earth, stalking you for their next post mortam meal. I’ll be in the wind and thinking of other ways to harass the general populous. I’ll be that unsettled spirit, knocking over people’s coffee on their keyboards. Spilling water on that dork that can’t operate the copy machine. Giving flat tires to the cop cars in my area. Riding shot gun with Jeremy Clarkson in a Aston Martin messin’ with the radio stations. Watching George Clooney shower. Then hiding all the towels.

The only true zombies appear around 2:30 in the afternoon. This is why there’s “5 Hour Energy” drink.  The cure for zombieness.

Mi Casa es Su Casa

My bloggy friend Mamarazzi over at Mamarazzi Pages has been documenting a family of robins that have taken up residence in a hanging flower planter. It’s really amazing to see nature at work. You so hope they survive in these times of urban sprawl, global warming and Rapture.

My property isn’t immune, nor I, to housing mother nature’s pets. I’ve always had a bird cage on hand to give sanctuary to an injured or stunned bird who was taking refuge under my bird feeder. They managed to come around and off they’d go to tell their mate that the nasty ol’ human wasn’t so nasty after all.

My friend gave me a decorative birdhouse one year. A pretty little white cape code with mosaic siding and a glass door knob. Tre chic! So I left it on my patio table because at that moment I wasn’t sure where to put it, but it looked cute just sitting there anyway.

The next thing I know, I see hay sticking out of the small port hole. Uh oh….sure enough a couple of wrens fancied it a nice place to set up shop. Well, I couldn’t have them on my patio table, not with three cats running around, so I found a pedestal from a candle that had broken and set it out in the garden with the wrens new abode on it. They found it and never skipped a beat in raising their young. It was a treat to watch. It even fell over once (not due to the cats, they actually were very good with leaving it alone) and I promptly righted it and all was well. No one was hurt!

The next year we mounted it on a very tall pole, cleaned it out, made some adjustments to the roof by adding a roof shingle, and yes, they return with their bright and sunny song announcing that “THIS IS MY HOUSE”

They’re back this year as well.

Welcome to the neighborhood

Just a closer look

Today, I was preparing the front of my humble home to look more appealing for Better Homes and Gardens(hey, you never know!!!!) than just a chalky white bi level with 500 cars in front, I kept seeing this robin fly out from  under the eaves. Not really paying any attention to where she/he was coming from, but thinking to myself, “Why is she flying out from under there? There’s nothing to perch on.” and would then continue being Martha Stewart.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH, Ok, THIS is what she was flying out from:

I just hung this wreath no longer than a week ago. Man, they're fast!

And look what’s inside:

Everyone......together.....AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

No one is allowed to go out or in the front door until they are hatched and gone. We don’t use the front door that often any way and hardly any visitors stop by (says alot about us).

I will be boring you with their progress.

Mamarazzi: We both need a life! LOL!!

Survey

There are certain “projects” in my home that I feel have gone undone for some time now. I do alot around here. More than most husbands. Bob Vila would be proud. I liked Steve Thomas better though.

My husband is aware of these undertakings. He’s listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as the Longest Person to Procrastinate. I’m not the type to nag. I don’t like being nagged, so I won’t ever be the nagger. But lighting a fuse under this bloke is like trying to get the toads to stop propagating in my pool cover.

I’m going to list a bunch of things that need attention in this abode of mine. In the comments, list them according to what YOU think should be addressed first as #1 being “should be done RIGHT NOW!” to #10 “can wait”.

-Stove hood (I have the stove, no hood to vent. I have the hole for it and there is ducts that lead somewhere in the attic and hopefully outside)

-Actual Stove (my stove is about a mid 80′s electric)

-Bathtub/shower surround (think harvest gold here people)

-floor moldings (never finished putting in the moldings after installing the Pergo)

-floor moldings, downstairs hallway (never installed after putting the peel and stick shit stuff last summer)

-Sliding glass doors off dinning room (original french doors from 1976 are still there-I’m amazed the screen door has managed to still slide despite the fact that it’s fallen off the track. I have no idea what it keeping upright and moving)

-Paint outside of home (yup, you guessed, house was built 1976, original grey that has chalked, looks white, original black shutters – god knows how many wasps nests are nestled under them)

-New front/storm door (leaky, old, and screen is bent from getting stuck under the storm window-door itself is ok, but I think a new one would brighten up the vestibule)

-New dryer (I’ve lived here 9 years, that dryer came with house-lord knows how long it was here before that, it has outlived two washers as well-it’s a Kenmore-it’s taking 50 minutes to dry towels-not very energy efficient)

-New Bedroom furniture (hint: I graduated high school in 1979-my husband bought his first house that same year)

SO

Tell me, what do you think is the most pertinent(#1) down to, as Mr. Lender-a former good neighbor always lived by “we can get another season out of it” (#10)

(we miss you Mr. Lender).

Hats Off – PLEASE!

My son and I were talking about the Royal Wedding and the women who wore outrageous hates like Sarah Ferguson’s daughter Beatrice.

Via Hollywood Reporter-Isn't this just hideous!

Are you kidding me? It looks like a NuvaRing for contraception for crying outloud! Was she trying to tell us something? That’s not a hat, it’s a billboard for birth control for young women! Even the color is indicative for such a device.

Instead of “O” with a bow, you could put a big “L” for LOOOOOOOOSER with bow.

If that’s not enough to make you start laughing hysterically giggle inside because it IS just so stupid, check this one out:

Via Getty Images-The Blue Vagina Hat

The Blue Vagina Hat.

This is the one that prompted this post.
My son was telling me about this. He said it even has it’s own Twitter account! So of course, I ran to my computer and did a search.

And be damned if it does!

But that’s not the funny part.

The accounts that showed up when I put “Blue Vagina Hat” in the search box is what cracked me up:

Sarah Palin – her VERIFIED account

Usher

Kanye West

Oprah

Sarah Silverman

JUSTINE BIEBER! VERIFIED account!

BARAK OBAMA! VERIFIED account!

Lady Gaga

and

Britney Spears.

It has only 11 followers and one tweet. But it’s the principle. This hat deserves the “WTF” Award. Yes, the color is beautiful as is the woman wearing it (I didn’t bother to catch her name, she does resemble Le Ann Rimes, ok, maybe not).

Could Eugenie’s have been made on the same concept? But with a French Tickler?

Via Glamour.com Could you imagine if both of these hats were RED!??? Or PINK! OMG!

I love hats. I love wearing hats and may wear more of them because of this wedding. I wore a hat with my wedding dress. If I want to draw attention to myself, positive attention mind you, it won’t be with one of these. I guess when you’re this rich, you can wear anything you want regardless of how pompous it looks.

Wordless Wednesday? Ok, maybe a couple words.

Image Via LOL Cats I Can Has Cheeseburger

Isn’t this the best idea? Someone took their old MacIntosh computer monitor, ripped all the guts out of it and made a cat bed! What a freakin’ awesome concept! It’s recycling at it’s best! And stylish! Kudos to Greencliff!

After or No, You CAN’T Go Home Again

I know you don’t give a crap, BUT….this is how my Saturday went.

After I stressed over what to wear to this……………….. Holy Communion  and calling Stacy London for her advice on what TO wear, I finally get my ass out of the house at 10:04am. Target time was 9:45. My bad. I’m usually on time.

After driving for 1 hour and 25 minutes (count them!) we FINALLY find the church in Summit. There are millions of churches in Summit. Note that! I even had directions! And we even asked someone “is this St. Teresa’s Church?” while in the parking lot that was fully packed and it turns out the poor slob soul was from out of town as well. And informs us that there’s no place to park in the parking lot (no shit Sherlock) and we’d have to park on the street. We ended up driving through the parking lot again just to get back out to the road.

Image via Wikipedia

After walking 2 blocks (ok, it was more like one block), we enter the church 1/2 hour late. It’s 11:30. Service started at 11:00. We’re not religious people, so we just v-e-r-y  q-u-i-e-t-l-y tip toed across the back of the sanctuary and watched from there. It felt good to stand actually.

After standing for about 15 minutes, they started the communal session of cute little boys and girls in their white tulle and lace dresses with veils and mini tuxedos  who looked like they were getting married. I’m desperately searching for ANY of my husband’s next of kin that even remotely looks like a B*******D. I see no one. Thank god I remembered my glasses at least. I’m still not quite convinced we’re in the right church, let alone the right pew.

After I grabbed one of the bulletins, I peruse the names of those little urchins (hardly urchins, I’m sure no one in this congregation makes less than $150K a year) getting Holy Communion and I do see my niece’s daughter’s name. Ok, I’m alittle more relieved, but still not quite satisfied. We stand a bit longer and then realizing that 5 million people are here, we decided to head out earlier to avoid any traffic jams coming out of the church and backing up the streets because remember, when people come out of church, they have right of way because they have been blessed by God.

After leaving, we get to the car and I get my handy dandy “Carmen the Garmin” out, press “Favorites”, press my niece’s house, and we’re off – the wrong way. “Carmen” should have “righted” us instead of “lefted” us. We ended up BACK at the ‘effin’ church and “Carmen” then told us to make a right. Yaaaaaay Carmen!

Image via softsailor.com

Remind me NEVER to drive to Union County EVER again! From Summit to Cranford, was nothing but massive traffic. MASSIVE I tell you! I HAVE NEVER SEEN MY HOMETOWN AREA SO CRAMMED WITH CARS! OMG, I was horrified! Thankfully I had my Sebring, so I was able to maneuver through the busy streets with ease and comfort….sort of. Since we had time to kill, we decided to check out my childhood home in Cranford. But I’m tellin’ you, it was nothing but bumper to bumper! If I didn’t know the back roads,we’d still be on North Ave!

After checking out some of my friend’s houses and FINALLY getting to MY house, and realizing, WOW, my front lawn was really small, the vertical blinds on the new front window look terrible and they put a stockade fence around the property and the new siding they put on was falling off and I was blocking the road and apologizing to the motorist (it’s not a busy road anyway), we head back to my niece’s house – OMG, I thought we would never get there. It’s normally a 10 minute ride, it took 25 minutes! Westfield to Cranford is NOT THAT FAR!

Driving through Manhattan would have been a picnic compared to this mess!

Image via townmapsusa.com

After maneuvering through the congestion and traffic, being a good motorist and allowing people to pull out of parking lots since we did our share of cutting a few yellow to red traffic lights and cutting one or two people off, we make to it to my niece’s house and wait. It’s around 1:00pm. They should be arriving soon I thought. I THOUGHT! That’s the key word – THOUGHT!

I call my husband’s brother, Chick (that’s an old nickname for Charles).

Me: Hey, where are you?
Chick: I’m at the church.
Me: Ok, I’m at Cathy’s house.
Chick: Well, the service is starting at 1:30.
Me: 1:30! Cathy told me 11:00am. I have that on my calender!
Chick: 11:00? There was a change in the time, everyone should have been notified.
Me: No, I wasn’t notified. Nope.
Chick: (in the background he’s talking to my other niece, the younger sister, who has her head on straight)
I’m sorry.
Me: Well, I’m going home Chick.
Chick: Ok, I’m really sorry!
Me: See you next weekend at (my other niece’s house who has her head on straight and I’ve already told her I’m NOT going to the church service for the Christening). Bye.

Plug good ol’ Carmen back in, and head home. THROUGH THE FUCKING TRAFFIC! Luckily, this time we were able to avoid the center of town! At least something went right.

Once I hit Rt. 78, my blood pressure went down and I enjoyed a leisurely drive home.

image via nj.com

Needless to say I was wiped out when I got home.

4 1/2 hours of shit ass driving! For what? NOTHING! I did get to see my house and the town. Oh, and I had to stop and get gas. With only a $20. But it got me home. Oh and we witnessed a rear end collision and Westfield’s finest were right on it! AWESOME!

Westfield's Finest! Image via doverarmynavy.com

Livin’ La Vida Lazy

We all love things that make out lives better. Easier. Less complicated.

George Forman Grill. Oxy Clean. Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. Dyson Ball. The Snuggie. Chia Pet.

Not sure about those last two.

But there are certain things that just shouldn’t be.

“Like what Irene? What ever are you talking about?”

Glad you asked.

Say hello to Robo Stir.

And yes, I’m going to say it-ARE YOU KIDDING ME (I’ll keep the foul language at bay).

Have we gotten so lazy that we can’t even stir our own cooking anymore?

Julie Child didn’t become a culinary master by hiring someone else to stir her sauces.

Gordon Ramsay wouldn’t even DREAM of it. “You lazy pillock, yes?” he’d say.

Even Giada stirs her own food. How do you think she keeps those ta ta’s so perky?

Rachel Ray takes a breath now and then to stir.

Maybe if you have umpteen kids like the Duggars, this could be handy. I mean holding two infants, reading a story, doing laundry all at the same, who has time to stir? But then again, if mama dukes Duggar needs something stirred, she can call on one of the 19 of her brood. If she needs something stirred vigorously, then she can call on one of the older girls; something just stirred occasionally; maybe one of the younger kids. She has her own assortment of handy helpers in all degrees of expertise.

The Amish certainly aren’t prime cooks because of the Robo Stir. Even being operated by batteries, they’re firm believers in manual labor (oh, I’m not even going to go there with batteries and manual labor).  They would insist stirring is good for the soul! And brings you closer to the Lord.

So you plunk this contraption into your pot where constant stirring is required. Turn it on and off it goes, with it’s orbital turning action, cleans the bottom of the pot as well covering the entire bottom surface.

Is there something that will clean it as well? And store it? And buy the 4 “AA” batteries needed that you hope don’t explode if you don’t use it after awhile?

And for a limited time only if you buy one you get another for free with just an additional $6.99 processing ( AND a free gift valued at $20). All that stirring awesomeness! Can you stand it???

Then there’s Roomba. In the 700 Series! AWESOME!!!

I hate vacuuming more than anymore. My house isn’t big enough for a vacuum. But yet I have an upright that is out to get me. It runs over my toes, trips me, mars my walls, the cord purposely knocks things over and brakes them and is hell bent on giving me lung cancer each time I try to clean it. A necessary evil. Luckily, most of my floors are wood laminate and I can Swiffer. Add that to the things that make life easier.

I can’t imagine having this Roomba running around my house. Just another thing to cause me to trip and fall, bang into something and break it. Then the constant droning of it’s motor. Whrrrrrr, whrrrrrrrr, bang, whrrrrrrrr, whrrrrrrrr, whrrrrrr, bang. This would make a better paper weight for my husband to hold down instructions on removing paint from wheels or something.

By the way, I own one of these thanks to my friend eDee.

And it’s awesome! We affectionately call it the elaborate sandwich maker. It makes the best personal pan pizzas! And chocolate cake as well as Mexican snacks!

A Healthier Chocolate Chip Cookie

Bowl full of wholesome goodness

My bloggy friend in the UK at Chaotically Me is a great cook! She posts some of the most mouth watering recipes! Check out her most recent Chocolate Chip Banana Muffins. With pictures!!! Knowing me, I’d end up dropping the stupid camera into the batter or leaving it on top of the stove and melting it. Or finding it inside a rolled piece of flank steak.  Take a look at her recipes page on her blog.

One of her recipes she posted is It’s Me Vitamins, Honest! aka Wholemeal Choco-Chip Cookies. And she was kind enough to add the standard measurement conversions for us non-metric users. I’m not even going to tell you the last time I used a gram.

AN-Y-WAY

I made these little nuggets of goodness the other day with my son, who really didn’t help but chew my ear off, talking non stop about something. What winds that kid up??? But these cookies were E-ZEE! And taste great! Don’t let the whole wheat and flax seed fool ya!

I don’t have any cool pictures of the process. Like I said, I’d end up cooking the damn camera with the dough, so it’s just safer to leave the camera out of the kitchen. Check out Chaotically Me’s post link above for cool pictures. But I’ll post the recipe here. In American measurements. Because we’re like that.

Ingredients

2/3 cup of unsalted margarine or softened butter (I guess applesauce could be an alternate fat substitute, but this really isn’t much butter)

1 egg, lightly whisked

1 cup brown sugar

1 tsp. vanilla extract

4 oz. good quality dark chocolate (70% cocoa), chopped (ok, I used regular dark chocolate chips for this, about 2/3 of cup, but you can add more, or use different chips like white chocolate depends on how healthy you want to go with this, dark chocolate is good for you though, better than milk chocolate!)

1 oz walnuts, roughly chopped ( I eyeballed this)

1 1/2 cups self rising wholemeal/whole wheat flour (you can add some baking powder, maybe a 1/2 tsp. to 1 1/2 cups of  regular whole wheat flour)

1/4 of flax seed meal (alternately use plain wholemeal flour). I have flax seed on hand. I mix it into various things (pancake mix for instance). It’s chocked full of good stuff for your heart like Omega-3 fatty acids!

Pinch of salt.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees

Line 2 baking trays with parchment paper (Yes, I did this and it makes life easier removing them).

Beat margarine or butter in mixing bowl until smooth.

Gradually add sugar and beat until pale and creamy.

Add egg and vanilla, beating until well combined.

Gently stir in chocolate and walnuts.

Stir in flour, flaxseed meal and salt until well combined. If batter becomes too difficult to mix, add a dash of milk to soften or knead with hands. The consistency should be quite firm so if you do add milk, add it sparingly.

Roll Tablespoons of batter into balls and place on trays leaving about 2 inch gaps to allow for them to expand.

Flatten balls gently with fingers or the back of a fork and bake for 15 minutes or until tops start to get golden. These will harden when cool do don’t over cook them thinking they aren’t done.

Remove on to racks for cooking when done.

Now I used this handy dandy cookie scoop.

The Handy Dandy Cookie Scoop

Don’t use this. The balls are too small. So instead of cookies, I had small hockey pucks. Still tasty, but kinda small.

Remember, these aren’t soft and chewy. They will harden when cooled, but dunk these babies into milk, tea or hot chocolate and O-M-F-G! I could have eaten the whole bowl in one sitting! They will soften up when dipped!

Update: Chaotically Me informed me she mistakenly forgot to add the “self rising” bit to the whole wheat flour. I made these without the self rising whole wheat and they were good, not as soft, but still very delicious.