We Should Charge For Handling

I’ve noted the amount of times we move our groceries:

We take the items OFF the shelf and put them IN the cart.

Take them OUT of the cart and ONTO the belt which…

.. then items are put IN bags.

And back IN the cart.

Bring the cart full of items OUT to the automobile for which brought your sorry asses to this venue to begin with and take said bags OUT of the cart and put them IN the vehicle preferably the trunk or back end of the SUV. Back seats work just as well.

Once at place of residency, we take said bags OUT of the car.

Bring said bags IN the house where….

…..we take the items OUT of said bags and put items INTO their final resting place.

No wonder we’re exhausted after grocery shopping!

My next blog post is a guest blogger on my other blog, My Trash Your Treasure. Be sure to stop by and check her out! She’s a very versed blogger with a kick ass website with great ideas and tips! Maybe you’ll be interested in subscribing to hers! Hope you read it!

Super Smart Cars

Hell bent smirk on world domination. Smart Car Via Wikipedia

I blogged once about the Smart Car. I can’t stand that little turd of a automobile. It’s a death trap for one, your knees are the crash zone for gods sake! And it looks like it’s smiling at me, mockingly. I don’t care if it gets you to the moon and back in one battery charge. I won’t buy one. Ever. Besides, what it does to the environment to make those batteries is a crime in itself.

Reliant Robin Via Wikipedia

It makes the Reliant Robin “Car of the Year”
So I got these in my email:

Reminds me of an 80's Pull Back toy

Smaudi A3-Now all the Yuppies can swagger around AND save the environment!

Smamborgini-Jeremy Clarkson MAY have a tough time fitting into this one!

Smorsche-Perfect for Richard Hammond! Won't have to move the seat up!

Smerrari-Perfect for James May, I'm sure he'll be able to get his trustly little cleaning brush into EVERY NOOK AND CRANNY!

Smustang-yeah, not quite what I had in mind.

pool blog 7

This is a repost(some of you may have read this rant already), especially for Pamelot (Road to Joy) who posted about her frog invasion and her husband’s colorful thoughts as well. This is dedicated to her. And it is that time of year that I’m just waiting……waiting for that first mating call. Then it means war!

I have bitched and moaned about this damn thing for years. It was a one of the reasons we bought the house. I’ve owned them before, but this was a new monster. A sleeping dinosaur. A curse to be reckoned with.

It’s my inground pool.

Oh, well la dee dah, you say. No, it’s not “La Dee Dah”. I don’t know what we do wrong, but I getting tired of everyone saying “I don’t have a problem with MY pool”. Yeah, probably because you have a fucking service come and do everything. My husband and I are not a chemists, so keeping the chemicals level is quite a chore. I don’t care what the stupid test strips say, it never looks clear enough. Talk to the hand people, talk to the hand!

Yeah, it looks all sweet and innocent right now, but just you wait.....

I’ve been at this for 8 fucking years. Most of the problems started about 3 years ago, when we accidentally dumped a ton of dirty water and leaves from the cover into the somewhat clean water from last year. It took 2 weeks, 3 filter cleanings and a new pool vac to get the water clear again. Then the stinkin’ tile started falling off. So hubby puts them back on…of course they never go back on the same way.

The following year, last year, we were home to 2 couples of Mallard ducks and toads along with their siblings…the tadpoles…all one million of them. Being the nature lover I am , I scooped up and relocated 99% of those little sperm like creatures. I hope they’re alive and well in Bushkill Twnsp. somewhere singing their little mating song hearts out and driving THOSE people insane! I also relocated 9, count them, 9, happy humper toads to the creek down the street. Not only are they too prolific but also the chirping was getting deafening and causing sleep deprivation.

We didn’t bother refilling the pool or painting it like we planned. In August, we just filled it half way, threw a TON of shock into it and called it a summer. We were just too disgusted with it all.

This year? The Happy Humpers came back. And again, I relocated 9 of those bastards down the road. What are the chances that they’re the stupid tadpoles from last year??? Anyway, I wasn’t fast enough in doing so. Again, we had another million black sperm creatures in the cover. Despite the leaf net that’s OVER the cover, they managed to do their thing.

Aside from the breeding that was occurring in the pool, we had to get the filter going. My husband proceeded to take the filter apart and through the pipes popped out 6 mice. Yes, mice! Boing, Boing, Boing, Boing, Boing, Boing. And scurry off they did. Then when the filter wasn’t filtering properly, again, taking things apart unveiled a lovely site. Some poor soul had either died in the piping or was stuck and couldn’t get out fast enough and well…..you get the idea. So that had to be extricated. Finally, we’re filtering!

Now for the pool vac. It has the name “LG”. The previous owners called it that for “Little Guy”. And well, it IS the most mesmorizing  thing to watch. Just rolls along the bottom of the pool sucking up all the excrement and debris. You can’t help but watch it go around and around the pool, swishing it’s tail back and forth. It’s like it’s alive! Hence, “Little Guy”.

Well, Little Guy, or LG wasn’t feeling well this year. We pulled apart the motor, took the hoses off, ran the filter with it running…just to find out why it wasn’t “feeling well”. My husband decided to take the hose fitting off the pool wall once again and there I saw it….the little net basket in the fitting…..and yeah, it was filled, clogged and stuffed….with…yep…..a dead mouse! You can throw up now if you’d like.

LG works wonderful now. Since regurgitating, he feels better!

As for the pool, well, we’ll have to clean the filter out at least two more times and just keep emptying LG’s silt bag every 15 minutes because it fills so fast. I figure by July it’ll be useable.

Update: Since the posting of this, we had to get a new filter. We opted for a sand filter. Add that to the copious amounts of time and money spent on this money hog!

I so much miss kiddy pools!

Greatest Inventions

I thought long and hard about these ingenious discoveries.

No I didn’t.

Toilet Paper. Angel Soft, Charmin, Scott, what ever you use, thank goodness we don’t have to use the Sears Catalog anymore. Or whatever catalog comes in your mail these days. If I had to, I’d use a tabloid with Hollywood’s finest in it. Take that Diaz!

Dish Soap. How many times have you run out of dish soap and it really messed up your day? Especially at dinner time. Either for the dish washer or for the regular “can’t go in the dishwasher” dishes, you have to have that stuff-on-hand-at-all-times! There really is no substitute.

Bread Machines. I love fresh bread, I hate kneading it. It also makes pizza and sweet roll dough. Now if I could get it to wash dishes and do bathrooms.

The Light Bulb. You know it! When that power goes out, you light the candles. I’ll put a couple around the house so we don’t go stumbling down staircases or miss the commode when nature calls. But admit it, you know the power is out, yet when you walk into a room you go right for the light switch! And feel stupid. And then realize how much you appreciate the flick of the switch to illuminate your life.

Computer Technology. My laptop is my life. Sad existence I know. But when you live in a state that hates you, this little nugget of goodness is my savior. As is my iPod. My portable stereo system. Take away my technology, I break your face!

The car. Did you think I was going to do a post without a mere mention of the automobile? It’s been a while. And it’s not that it gets you from A to B conveniently. It doesn’t. Not conveniently at least. Between gas prices and highway/road congestion, it’s a miracle more people don’t commit suicide during rush hour. That’s why it’s SO important to have a car you can be comfortable in. It may be a beater, but make it your little beater haven from home. Cover those seats in those neat seat covers you get at Wallyworld, make sure that damn radio works, get an iPod or MP3 player adaptor for said damn radio, descent sunglasses (ok, you’re car may not be cool, but at least you can), a bottle of water and you’re good as golden.

Pot Sticker. OMG, I want to kiss the little Chinese lady that came up with these! It’s the only thing I feel China should be importing. Those and Chinese food.

Curse Words. I always feel better when I get a good “FUCK!”,”SHIT!” or “ASS HOLE out of my system.”. My potty mouth is quite foul at times. I try not to let fly the nasty words that seem to make a situation better for some reason when enunciated at high and loud octaves, but they do slip by sometimes. And I feel better. Shouldn’t hold that anger in they say. Depends on my mood. Another reason my car is a great invention-what a super place to let loose some foul verbiage on an unsuspecting idiot who didn’t use his/her turn signal while yaking on his/her cell.

VHS/DVD’s/TV. Actually, any broadcasting media. I was one of those mothers that used these things as a babysitter occasionally. I didn’t need two hyper, over stimulated on juice from other neighborhood moms kids jumping up and down on me while trying to fix supper. Or bothering me on the phone (that’s a major pet peeve of mine!). As far as I’m concerned, it’s OK to use it for “things that need to be done around the house without the constant interruptions of off-spring”. When used in moderation of course.

Home Depot/Lowes. I know what you’re all thinking, “IS SHE FUCKIN’ KIDDING ME?” I myself believe in supporting the little guy. But sometimes the little guy doesn’t have what the big guy has. And that usually is what I need. My motto for these two mega giants? “The places you love to hate but thank god they’re there!”.

Candy. I know it’s not really an invention, more of a discovery that wow, when you extract, heat and cool the sap from cane, you get sugar. If it has sugar in it, I’ll eat it. I don’t have 4 or 5 fillings and a gold crown for nothin’! I worked hard on rotting those teeth! They’re my crowning achievements! Moving on……………

The Late Night Talk Show. How many celebrity meltdowns have we seen due to these shows? From Late Night with Johnny Carson to Conan…there have been some real doosies! Even though Oprah isn’t late night, I think she should be included.

Sunglasses. Not only do they protect your eyes from the UV of the sun, but they can even make the dorkiest looking person look cool. Even Bill Gates has hope.

Teleprompters. Obama would agree. But think about it, some of us aren’t that well equipped with photographic memories. I’m not. I can’t even remember what I wrote sometimes when blogging. And it’s not that these little mechanisms help sometimes. You have to be able to read. And for some, especially sports casters and celebs, it’s a chore. I love watching them screw up when they missed something while the words are scrolling away. Usually at awards ceremonies. You know how nervous they are. And they start fumbling and stumbling. And they think they’re perfect……pffft.

Spell Check. I pride myself on good spelling. I always did well on spelling tests. We all need alittle help now and then. Get your sunglasses out Bill Gates, yes, you did good on this one!

If you can think of some, leave it in the comments below. I’ll add it giving credit.

I have a submission here from Tiny Temper:

Duvet Covers. “I’d like to add duvets to the list. Remember the old days of sheets and blankets that stayed rigid all night? It was like sleeping in concrete!” They also can inexpensively change the look of a room in a jiffy! HGTV would be proud!

Autismarmymom feels her TiVo is one of the greatest inventions:

“I also cannot live without TiVo…I can’t even remember the days before I could rewind live TV. Thank God this was invented by the time I had a kid because she makes so much noise I’m rewinding constantly to see what I missed.”

ldbdiaries has this to add to the list:

“I’d add my old Rival crock pot and HAIR DRYERS for those who need extra fluffing!!”

Pamelot added:

“And Powerade Zero. Because I can’t drink alcohol. Without them, I’d have killed my children long ago.”

Kim Sisto Robinson mentioned this one and I’m shocked that I didn’t think of it first!

“and Chocolate! xxx”

Ms. Jenny Beans has this to say about Remote Controls:

“Remote controls! Because who wants to get off her sorry ass to walk five feet to change the TV?!” And the frantic search to find the damn thing when it’s missing!! No TV commences until it has been located!

Calling Dr. Drew-Code Red

I blogged about her before. Our dear Miley Cirus “A MILF in the Making”. Yep, she’s heading for the proverbial train wreck.

Poor Billy Ray. He is trying SO hard to keep the family together and he admits fame and fortune have ruined his marriage. Seriously, my heart goes out to him now.

The 18 year old Miley makes so much money (I believe I read $48 million last year) she is able to purchase her own abode. And smoke salvia ( I always thought it was a red flower I bought at Home Depot’s garden department in the spring-hmmm, maybe I need to look closer at that flower and buy many of them).  She claims she smoked it but no one else can confirm it. Billy Ray feels he failed her as a father in not keeping tabs on the young lady.

Ms. Cyrus, at age 16, was seen in a video released by TMZ giving the producer of The Last Dance a lap dance. Good ol’ dad Cyrus defended Miley by saying “that’s what all the kids do her age”. RIIIIIIGHT. My friends and I were giving lap dances to all our bosses, too, when we were 16. Tsk, what’s the big deal?

From other articles I’ve been reading about this child, she’s constantly apologizing for some stupid remark or action she did.

Now you would think, I would hope, that dad being a veteran in the business and being her dad would sort of take her aside and say something like “Look, you’ve obviously hit the charts with Hannah Montana. You’ve got a great fan following now, you’re making gobs of money. But sweetheart, you’re very young. This is all going to seem tempting to you. You’re going to feel you can do anything you want and get away with it. Take it from me. This show biz stuff is going to ruin you if you don’t watch what the hell you’re doing!”

My advice: Miley, look at Lohan. Look at Winehouse. Look at Courtney Love.

 

 

Look at Charlie Sheen(HAHAHAHAHA, we can’t help BUT look….and crack up hysterically laughing-he IS winning in my eyes!).

 

 

USE YOUR FUCKING HEAD! THINK BEFORE YOU ACT! Ask yourself, “If I say this, or if I do this is someone going to quote me or take a picture (can you say camera phone/video)?” 99% of the time the answer is going to be “YES!”. So DON’T DO IT! You are one of the highest grossing females in Hollywood.  This isn’t a ticket for “what the hell”. If you enjoy the limelight and want to stay in the limelight, then start presenting yourself like you CAN wear those skanky little outfits. You’re portraying a bubble head in Mamby Pamby Land. You’re going to have to grow up.

I know she’s having a rough time with her parents divorcing. It’s never easy. Then maybe she should take a hiatus from show biz for awhile. She has SUCH potential to be great. And I see that train acomin’…….it’s just a matter of time before she hits that wall. KA-BLAM! Dr. Drew will have his hands full with THAT one in residence!

Sure, Doesn’t Everyone Have Chickens In Their Laundry Room?

I have two chicken coops. One is the Taj Mahal of coops for one set of my Bantam chickens. The other is a small(er) coop which was hand made by combining two tinier coops into one and making a new roof for it. The Taj Mahal has an insulated ceiling. The clown coop, so affectionately called by my son, doesn’t. The seams and crevices have been sealed, but it’s not really that winter proof. That one is for the other two Bantams. All you really need for them is a place for them to get out of the wind. Or so we were told.

Several weeks ago….it was REALLY REALLY cold outside! Like -2 or some ungodly temperature like that. We had a couple days of it.

Clown Coop-Epic Fail

Taj Mahal

I had been keeping an eye on that clown coop. I made sure there was a ton of hay in it. Wouldn’t let them out in anything under 30 degrees. Even heated up their food to help.

As I was gathering fire wood (oh so Laura Ingalls) on one of these subzero days I noticed the rooster, Rudy, smashed up against the little window of the coop.  Ugh, what the hell was up with that? That wasn’t right. I ran over, looked in and he was not responsive when I called him. I opened up the little door and gently reached in and pulled him out. He was I want to say comatose. He was suffering from hypothermia! We had a fire going in the fire place so I gently put him near it (no, I wasn’t seeing a gala opportunity to have roast chicken for dinner that night) and he sort of stood there. He would shake now and then, then calm down. I really didn’t think he was going to make it. After about 1/2 hour he started to come around. He was still very groggy and unable to stand without falling over though.

I need this shit like I need a lobotomy.

I went out into the shed where we keep copious amounts of car parts and cat carriers and grabbed our old guinea pig cage. Put some hay in it, the old guinea pig feeder and waterer. By this time, Rudy and his hen, Teri, were together in a box.

They now reside in my laundry room on a small table in front of my washing machine. If you could see my laundry room……two shelving units, shelving on the wall above those, laundry bin under the window, then the washer, dryer and slop sink, on floor opposite the window is the litter box then the door. I swear one more thing and the room is going to implode.

Life is good in the laundry room

Needless to say, around 5:30am, Rudy announces that morning has broken. Because the idiot out in the other coop announces the day first! After about 5 minutes of revelry, he shuts up. Mine you, we keep the litter box in the hall at night for the poor cats, and the laundry room door closed.

Brutus, Lucy and Lorelei_They live in the Taj Mahal

I can’t wait for spring.

Note: Just a little lesson here. My chickens are Buff Cochin Bantams. Their ancestors are from China. Cochin is a providence of China. Bantam means “small”. Buff is their color. These aren’t your regular sized chickens. There are Buff Cochin chickens in the larger variety, but these are the “smaller” breed. Very personable, great nesting instincts and if you want to raise chicks and have a stubborn hen or lazy one, these will be glad to do the job for you.

And if you want, check out my son’s blog “Pretty Fly For A Blind Guy”.  Click the “Epic Squirrel” button on the right. He’s not well………..in the head.

Why Did Mommy Leave?

Ok, I’m touching on a subject here that’s very controversial. Feel free to leave now.

I’m talking about Rahna Rizzuto, the woman who left her kids at the ages of 3 and 5 to live in Japan. Claims she didn’t want kids. But she had them anyway.

I’m not going to pursue the issue of the young mother who gets pregnant. The “oops” child.

We’re talking about a woman who got married, then had children. She applied for a grant, thinking she wouldn’t get it, ended up getting it, and decided to pursue this “dream” of going to Japan. No one forced her. She went on her own free will. Having an “epiphany” while in Japan, she felt she no longer wanted to be a mom.

Well sweetie, SUCK.  IT.  UP!

How many of us have wondered and said “I don’t want to do this anymore?”*raising my hand high*

I can’t begin to tell you how many times I thought “WHY THE HELL AM I DOING THIS!??” After I’ve cleaned up the multitude of puke and accidents, cleaned and recleaned their rooms for the 4th time in one day, cooked, cleaned, made appointments, clothes shopped, chauffeured for sporting events and games, dealt with ANOTHER irate mom over some stupid issue with the PTA, after being talked back to by one son, bailed out one or the other from a financial crisis, accompanied one to court hearings, I mean you get the picture.

Do you really think I enjoyed all that all the time? OF COURSE NOT!

What I wouldn’t do right now to pack my bags, buy a plane ticket and grab American Airlines to haul my sorry ass over to England and never come back. I’m not saying what’s going on in my household is horrifying, someone is always worse off, but I’m tired. I haven’t been on a vacation in over 10 years. I think I deserve it. I will do this, but not until I feel everyone is stable enough in life to proceed without my assistance. I have an obligation here. A responsibility? Commitment? HELLO?I didn’t want kids either. I cried when I got pregnant. But ya know, you have to take responsibility for your actions. They may have been coddled in some ways, but they’re independent and thriving.

I seriously think there is something wrong with this woman. She has no conscience. She needs counseling.  Sadly, I’m sure she’s not the only one that has decided that raising kids isn’t her thing. As a matter of fact, I KNOW she’s not the only one that has abandoned her role as matriarch. Seek help if that’s how your feeling.

What did this poor husband feel like when she announced all this? How do you explain to your kids that mommy doesn’t want to live with us any more?  For the sake of the kids, you hope the husband found a new wife and was able to raise the kids as her own.

Meanwhile, mom is living her dream. She’s an author (I’ve read some of her work, I’m not impressed) now and probably going to make a mint on all this. Someone should write a book about STAYING with their kids through out their lives.

If being a mom wasn’t what she wanted, would the kids have suffered if she stayed? Would she have been a bad mom? Would she have disregarded their needs? Would she have beaten them? We’ll never know.

And “Tiger Mom” got grief for her strict parenting practices. Shit, she’s a friggin’ saint compared to this woman!

After thought: I think even if she stayed with the family, she would have eventually divorced being that her heart wasn’t in it. So these kids were doomed. They had a part time mom from the git go.